Ok so this morning I went to my local mental health hospital where I have seen many therapists in the past. I sat in my car for about 20mins before I finally plucked up the courage to go in. I asked if there was someone I could speak to and after sitting in the waiting room for a whie a lady came out and very unsympathetically told me that I could have an appointment but in two weeks time. I tried to stay calm and said ok but what can I do in the mean time, as I need help now. She said go to your doctors. Big Sigh!! this is the doctors who won't give me more meds as they think I am storing them up or something and when I've been suicidal before in the past told me to basically cheer up and look at the positives in life. Each time I have felt so invalidated in my feelings.
Anyway I asked the lady if there was a crisis number I could have and she said No! it's only for emergencies. I was by this point really feeling unheard and angry and I said is wanting to kill yourself not an emergency then and she said the crisis line is only if you've already taken an overdose or something similar. That was it I lost it with her. So you have to actually harm yourself/ attempt suicide in order to get help. What an absolute stupid system, it hardly helps with prevention does it. She told me to phone the samaritans. Don't get me wrong, i'm sure they are great but I actually have a lot of self awareness of my mental health state as I have been through almost 18 months in a therapeutic community. I know my risks/triggers ect and I know that talking is helpful but as i'm a single mum with no other adult living with me I know that I need to be in a safe place with a real person physically with me. I know my limits and at the moment I'm what I would class as ill, yes I'm an expert as putting on the daily coping face at work ect but believe me I'm not functioning, thinking or acting normally at the moment.
When I left the unhelpful lady I got in my car, got out my razor blade from my handbag and started slicing my arms. It's been quite a while since I last cut myself and it was both a relief and and huge dissapointment. I was so angry and upset that it's as if I didn't even feel any pain untill later on when I had calmed down. I needed to see more blood, I don't know why it calms me but it does It's like saying 'this is how I feel' but with blood instead of tears as I have lost the ability to cry since being on fluoxetine and this is yet to return. I could see my veins and wondered just how much more I would have to push to hit them but I didn't really want that as I have to survive for my kids even if this is my only messed up way of dealing with it.
I went to the pharmacy for some supplies, stuck a dressing and bandage on and went to work. My arm was throbbing so badly.
Tonight I went to music practise with the worship team at church and it was amazing. I actually forgot all of the rubbishness for just a few hours. Now back to daily life. I hope things will improve now that I've let some of my emotion out through cutting.
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