Scared of how I feel

The last few days have been really tough.
Its been about 17 days since I stopped my Fluoxetine due to losing a whole bag of medication, and it's making me feel ill, both physically and mentally.

Heres some of the things I've noticed in the last few days;

• Bad headaches
• Dizziness
• sleeping a lot.
• anger
• constant thoughts of suicide and self harm.
• A completely numb arm for about 10 mins (weird and quite scary)
• Dissociation - feeling like i'm looking at myself from the outside. I don't really feel like i'm doing what i'm doing if that makes any sense.
• poor memory - sat at work for at least half an hour trying to think of the word clipart so I could search for a picture of something.
• Empty/numb - Just don't feel anything, I can't cry, and struggle to tell anyone whats going on because i don't really know myself

I've been a rubbish friend - really selfish/manipulative and outright mean.This makes me really sad as I have amazing friends. It's like watching a car crash happen but not being able to do anything about it. Yes I know I am in control of my own behaviour but when your mind is full of suicidal thoughts it's not that easy to see anything else. I either push people away and if they try to help I get mad OR they back away to protect their own and sanity and then I get mad because noone cares. In fact they really can't win. Why do I do that again and again, why don't I learn from it.

I'm a horrid mum - Don't get me wrong I love my kids to pieces but I'm just no good at it. I need help at the moment at least, I just have no patience, I'm unorganised, tired, confused and suicidal. Everything feels like too much, They are late for school most mornings at the moment, we are driving instead of walking, I don't have a plan for dinners, I don't do anything much with them at home just tell them to go play quietly or watch tv which usually is followed by an arguement because they are not playing quietely enough or are making a mess ect. I have no routine or energy to do washing/washing up/putting clothes away/hoovering ect so I look around my house every day and think what a mess, but do little about it. I go to work, come back, cook dinner then usually fall asleep at 7pm in my little boys bed.

This morning before work I drove to Tescos as we have hardly any food left for lunches ect. I got there and sat in the car for about 10 mins just thinking. I then walked to get a trolley and discovered I didn't have a £1 coin so instead of going into tescos to get some change or just getting a few bits in a basket I just got back in the car and left. So stupid but that one little thing which didn't run smoothly made me give up on the idea of shopping completely. 
I then drove to a pharmacy and bought some paracetamol and antisickness med, before going to the newsagents next door and buying some more paracetamol. I now have quite a collection of paracetamol at home which is both comforting and terrifying at the same time.
I then went home sat down and held a razor blade to my wrist looking at my veins and realising just how easy it would be. Images flashed through my head as I imagined doing it, the pain, the mess the trail of devastation I would leave behind me. My kids :((((( At this point I literally shouted out to Jesus to help me, to take away the thoughts and the images. By this point it was time go to work. What a fun and productive morning I had (NOT)
Off I trotted to work as if everything was fine. It was busy and luckily my lack of focus was laughed off as one of those days but I really need to focus, I know I can do the job well when my mind is not full of crap.

I fell asleep at 7pm with my little boy but tonight I actually got up at 2am again and have been on my laptop till now (5.15am) paying bills, organising calenders, writing this blog and other random things. Going to go to bed now for  few hours and see what tomorrow brings. Trying to take one day at a time.

Fluoxetine withdrawal sucks

Last Friday I collected my prescription from the surgery for Fluoxetine and went straight to the pharmacy to get it as I had taken my last few capules that morning.
I have absolutely no idea what happened to the medication after that as I am yet to find it and my memory is so rubbish I just can't remember what I did with them.  Docs think I am messing about with the meds and clearly don't trust me so I have to wait a month to get more.

I have been off my Fluoxetine for about 10 days so far and am feeling seriously rough.
I feel nauseous, shakey and scarily impulsive and suicidal thoughts.

Ok I know that I have BPD and that some of these things are part and parcel but this feels completely out of control even for me. It's like I don't have control over my thoughts, they jump from ok to suicidal to super bitch to good mummy, and anything in between. Some people think it's just an excuse for bad behaviour, maybe? I don't know but it's very hard to fight what seems like reflex actions. I see all the behaviours that I've been working on changing for the the last few years coming back again.

I want to cut myself
I want to kill myself - but realistically am terrified and love my kids so much I don't think I could do it to them as they would end up in foster care.
I am sooooo angry at myself and everyone around me who dares to get close. If I'm helping someone at work then no problem, I'm polite and helpful, but if a friend tries to phone me or be nice to me, in fact just the fact that they know me makes me want to fight with them, and push them away either by ignoring them completely and so inforcing their distance or being so overwhelmingly needy or nasty that they back away by themselves. Nothing they can do will be the right thing because I know deep down that they can't help me even if they try to as it's things out of their control. I get angry because even though deep down I know they are amazing friends I still want them to rescue me and make everything better which they just can't do. They may rescue me once but what about the next day/week when I feel like that again. It's unsustainable and completely toxic to any frienship.
I want someone to be there with me when Im scared of the suicidal thoughts running through my head, when I can't breath, when I feel like I want to physically hurt my kids, when Im buying tablets and razor blades from the shop even though I don't really want to.  If theres one thing I've leart over the years is that people let you down, even the nicest ones and even when people say they are there for you, they really mean I'm there for you but your 10th on my list of priorities! which is not at all wrong, family should be priority absolutely but the reality of that means that people whose family have disowned them or have irrepairable broken relationships basically are on their own. Your noones priority.

I don't know who I am, in fact I'm not sure I've ever known. I think if I had a Husband and a bigger house i'd be ok but I know that's not true, maybe for a while but I can't escape myself and I am the problem noone else. The core issue is me. Take away kids runaway dad, my childhood, hurtful words from others ect, it still leaves me. I'm actually a bad person but  people are trying to convince me that i'm not and that good is inside. But I'm finding it hard to find. I love Jesus and am hanging on to him for dear life at the moment however pathetic my efforts are. I have to hold on because without him there is no hope, and no goodness to be found, just darkness everywhere slowly sufforcating those it meets. Not what a christian should be like really is it, but I believe that Jesus is 100%  real and good and loving but also that the spiritual battle and strongholds are also 100% real and sometimes for people who have been brought up to know no different it is very very difficult to trust and hold onto truths which seem so opposite to what you've ever known.

I saw a programme the other day which talked about a girls struggle with anorexia to the point of almost dieing. They were explaining to her parents why she couldn't just start eating and get better.

The doctor described it like this:
Imagine your boat had sunk and you were stranded in the sea clutching the only lifebelt  for miles around. Then someone in the distance shouts for you to leave the lifebelt and swim over to them. In that situation you would find it very very difficult to let go of that lifebelt and extreemly hard to trust anyone telling you to do so.

This was describing anorexia but I instantly could relate it to me and bpd, self harm in fact any bad coping strategies which look foolish to those outside but to me are my only way of surviving and it's very difficult to trust someone telling me to let go and all will be ok.
Do't get me wrong I do let go sometimes but I don't stray too far in case \i need it again!

Does that make any sense? I hope so.