I'm losing it. Has therapy traumatised me or was it just transference

Have to keep it together.

No one can know how messed up my head is. I have to keep it a secret.

How do I know what's  real and what's fake, how do I know that any of this is real and not just lies to screw with my brain. My mind is like a rubiks cube that is completely scrambled. I know what it should look like and all day and night I am trying to unscramble it and make sense of it but I can't and I just feel frustrated and hopeless. Or do I? Even that sounds like a lie because earlier today I was listening to music and happy and positive. Who was that person or perhaps the question is who is this person now writing this? How can someone's mood and thoughts change so much.

I feel trapped as can't talk to anyone anymore. I opened up in therapy and they destroyed me. No SHE destroyed me and they did nothing to stop it and didn't believe me. I know it happened, she was deliberately trying to hurt me and was clever enough to do it in a way that couldn't be proven. One part of me deserved it, and I know she saw the evil part of me but the other part maybe the innocent child part didn't deserve it. I just wanted help and to be understood and heard and cared for like the rest of the group. Am I that bad that people who are paid to care still reject me. I trusted the process I opened up, I was honest and  all it got me was rejection, heartache and a 100% reinforced belief that no one will ever want the real me and I should NEVER EVER open up or trust anyone.

That's it now. No more therapists, no doctors, I don't want any of them anywhere near me. If only they could feel what pain I felt and still feel through what happened in that place. It's supposed to be ultimately healing not traumatising. I honestly feel traumatised by the experience. I feel hot, sweaty, panicky, angry, and so so hurt. But why me, that's what I'm trying to figure out. If everyone had a bad experience of that place then I could say it's a bad treatment but I know it's a great treatment for most. I didn't want to leave because I believed it was what I needed to get better but it didn't work out how I hoped. Maybe I built it up in my mind to be so healing and everyone so caring but I was misunderstood, pushed away when I wanted to do my work and psychologically screwed over by a therapist who thought she did nothing wrong by attending to everyone else's emotional needs while leaving me to cry for an hour or actively moving the conversation away from me if I tried to speak. In a family that would be abuse but in therapy it's just my issues and dressed up as transference. Ok so she didn't like me, unfortunate, but it happens. But to then refuse to let me change groups to a different therapist that's just cruel. It was like torture week after week. Ok more stuff was going on that just that - parental figure blah blah blah but whatever it was to actively ignore me, show no compassion and give me no reason why I was being punished was the most horrendous thing I've ever experienced.the occasional time she did make a comment was to put me down and remind me that I'm a bad parent ect ect. It's like my little girl inside was screaming and crying and begging for acknowledgement of my very existence. But got nothing. I was in emotional hell and could do nothing but sob and the reaction I got was nothing. Not the nothing when your left to cry but the room is silent and with you in your pain. I'm talking about the nothing whereby life carries on as if you were not there at all. People laugh, have conversations all around you , it's literally as if you don't exist, but in a small group and in an environment such as therapy that is not by accident. That is an active decision. Even a stranger would not be able to ignore an infant in real distress without at least a compassionate glance there way. Now I hear she's leaving. That makes me angry. So she can do this to me and then just bugger off and leave me like this without any resolution, help, explanation. I didn't even get to say goodbye to people and they say endings are important yet I got a phone call telling me not to come back 2 days after I was in hospital for being suicidal 😥😥😥. It's like me phoning my daughter and telling her not to come back home from school any more, I know it sounds ridiculous but that's how much I needed them and how completely devastating it was. Now I have to keep it all inside. I'm trying to be positive, sort myself out and be strong but it's building up and up and I'm starting to crumble. It's too much to hold but if it comes out it will destroy any positives that I have put in place like uni ect. Do I live a double life.am I sane or mad. Is being well just not telling anyone about what's happening in your mind, or not acting out. Maybe everyone thinks about killing themselves, maybe everyone sees things spinning in their heads or stays awake at night sweating and scared. Or has bursts of complete out of the blue anger or tearfulness. I don't know anymore. I've been told no more treatment and that just because I remain in distress doesn't mean I should be offered therapy. So I'll have to either sort myself out or admit defeat and say goodbye once and for all. After all if I cant help me and the professionals have given up on me then what else is there. No one can say I'm not trying 110%. I've tried waking up and just saying from now on I'm gonna be sane as I have so much invested in me being sane, my kids, my future career as a nurse, and a chance to have a relationship and be happy. Unfortunately the shit comes back, even went to Spain on hols and it followed me there. The was no agenda as some people think I get something out of this sI hit ( attention, care ect) in Spain I knew no one and told no one. But I still melted down, I still felt out of control. It made me realise just how out of my control it becomes at times.

Im so lonely and really want a relationship now, it's been like 6 years now but there is such strong walls up I dought anyone would ever get through even if they wanted too. It's probably best though as I am bad bad news so for their sake my selfish desires will have to just die and I need to except that it's not possible because I'm not stable, I can't/won't trust anyone anymore and I'm so repulsive that even if I did let them in they would turn around and run as soon as they saw my fat, scars and stretch marks and I'm not just being a bit insecure, they really are that bad.

I live only for my kids and wonder if I'm really doing the right thing by continuing to try because I just keep failing over and over again. My best is not even close to being good enough and I know it. I'm trying to offload by starting to blog again. If you read this it will probably make no sense but at least it's out of my head for a while.

I gave in and cut :(

Ok so this morning I went to my local mental health hospital where I have seen many therapists in the past. I sat in my car for about 20mins before I finally plucked up the courage to go in.  I asked  if there was someone I could speak to and after sitting in the waiting room for a whie a lady came out and very unsympathetically told me that I could have an appointment but in two weeks time. I tried to stay calm and said ok but what can I do in the mean time, as I need help now. She said go to your doctors. Big Sigh!! this is the doctors who won't give me more meds as they think I am storing them up or something and when I've been suicidal before in the past told me to basically cheer up and look at the positives in life. Each time I have felt so invalidated in my feelings.
Anyway I asked the lady if there was a crisis number I could have and she said No! it's only for emergencies. I was by this point really feeling unheard and angry and I said is wanting to kill yourself not an emergency then and she said the crisis line is only if you've already taken an overdose or something similar. That was it I lost it with her. So you have to actually harm yourself/ attempt suicide in order to get help. What an absolute stupid system, it hardly helps with prevention does it. She told me to phone the samaritans. Don't get me wrong, i'm sure they are great but I actually have a lot of self awareness of my mental health state as I have been through almost 18 months in a therapeutic community. I know my risks/triggers ect and I know that talking is helpful but as i'm a single mum with no other adult living with me I know that I need to be in a safe place with a real person physically with me. I know my limits and at the moment I'm what I would class as ill, yes I'm an expert as putting on the daily coping face at work ect but believe me I'm not functioning, thinking or acting normally at the moment.

When I left the unhelpful lady I got in my car, got out my razor blade from my handbag and started slicing my arms. It's been quite a while since I last cut myself and it was both a relief and and huge dissapointment. I was so angry and upset that it's as if I didn't even feel any pain untill later on when I had calmed down. I needed to see more blood, I don't know why it calms me but it does It's like saying 'this is how I feel' but with blood instead of tears as I have lost the ability to cry since being on fluoxetine and this is yet to return. I could see my veins and wondered just how much more I would have to push to hit them but I didn't really want that as I have to survive for my kids even if this is my only messed up way of dealing with it.

 I went to the pharmacy for some supplies, stuck a dressing and bandage on and went to work. My arm was throbbing so badly.

Tonight I went to music practise with the worship team at church and it was amazing. I actually forgot all of the rubbishness for just a few hours. Now back to daily life. I hope things will improve now that I've let some of my emotion out through cutting.

Scared of how I feel

The last few days have been really tough.
Its been about 17 days since I stopped my Fluoxetine due to losing a whole bag of medication, and it's making me feel ill, both physically and mentally.

Heres some of the things I've noticed in the last few days;

• Bad headaches
• Dizziness
• sleeping a lot.
• anger
• constant thoughts of suicide and self harm.
• A completely numb arm for about 10 mins (weird and quite scary)
• Dissociation - feeling like i'm looking at myself from the outside. I don't really feel like i'm doing what i'm doing if that makes any sense.
• poor memory - sat at work for at least half an hour trying to think of the word clipart so I could search for a picture of something.
• Empty/numb - Just don't feel anything, I can't cry, and struggle to tell anyone whats going on because i don't really know myself

I've been a rubbish friend - really selfish/manipulative and outright mean.This makes me really sad as I have amazing friends. It's like watching a car crash happen but not being able to do anything about it. Yes I know I am in control of my own behaviour but when your mind is full of suicidal thoughts it's not that easy to see anything else. I either push people away and if they try to help I get mad OR they back away to protect their own and sanity and then I get mad because noone cares. In fact they really can't win. Why do I do that again and again, why don't I learn from it.

I'm a horrid mum - Don't get me wrong I love my kids to pieces but I'm just no good at it. I need help at the moment at least, I just have no patience, I'm unorganised, tired, confused and suicidal. Everything feels like too much, They are late for school most mornings at the moment, we are driving instead of walking, I don't have a plan for dinners, I don't do anything much with them at home just tell them to go play quietly or watch tv which usually is followed by an arguement because they are not playing quietely enough or are making a mess ect. I have no routine or energy to do washing/washing up/putting clothes away/hoovering ect so I look around my house every day and think what a mess, but do little about it. I go to work, come back, cook dinner then usually fall asleep at 7pm in my little boys bed.

This morning before work I drove to Tescos as we have hardly any food left for lunches ect. I got there and sat in the car for about 10 mins just thinking. I then walked to get a trolley and discovered I didn't have a £1 coin so instead of going into tescos to get some change or just getting a few bits in a basket I just got back in the car and left. So stupid but that one little thing which didn't run smoothly made me give up on the idea of shopping completely. 
I then drove to a pharmacy and bought some paracetamol and antisickness med, before going to the newsagents next door and buying some more paracetamol. I now have quite a collection of paracetamol at home which is both comforting and terrifying at the same time.
I then went home sat down and held a razor blade to my wrist looking at my veins and realising just how easy it would be. Images flashed through my head as I imagined doing it, the pain, the mess the trail of devastation I would leave behind me. My kids :((((( At this point I literally shouted out to Jesus to help me, to take away the thoughts and the images. By this point it was time go to work. What a fun and productive morning I had (NOT)
Off I trotted to work as if everything was fine. It was busy and luckily my lack of focus was laughed off as one of those days but I really need to focus, I know I can do the job well when my mind is not full of crap.

I fell asleep at 7pm with my little boy but tonight I actually got up at 2am again and have been on my laptop till now (5.15am) paying bills, organising calenders, writing this blog and other random things. Going to go to bed now for  few hours and see what tomorrow brings. Trying to take one day at a time.

Fluoxetine withdrawal sucks

Last Friday I collected my prescription from the surgery for Fluoxetine and went straight to the pharmacy to get it as I had taken my last few capules that morning.
I have absolutely no idea what happened to the medication after that as I am yet to find it and my memory is so rubbish I just can't remember what I did with them.  Docs think I am messing about with the meds and clearly don't trust me so I have to wait a month to get more.

I have been off my Fluoxetine for about 10 days so far and am feeling seriously rough.
I feel nauseous, shakey and scarily impulsive and suicidal thoughts.

Ok I know that I have BPD and that some of these things are part and parcel but this feels completely out of control even for me. It's like I don't have control over my thoughts, they jump from ok to suicidal to super bitch to good mummy, and anything in between. Some people think it's just an excuse for bad behaviour, maybe? I don't know but it's very hard to fight what seems like reflex actions. I see all the behaviours that I've been working on changing for the the last few years coming back again.

I want to cut myself
I want to kill myself - but realistically am terrified and love my kids so much I don't think I could do it to them as they would end up in foster care.
I am sooooo angry at myself and everyone around me who dares to get close. If I'm helping someone at work then no problem, I'm polite and helpful, but if a friend tries to phone me or be nice to me, in fact just the fact that they know me makes me want to fight with them, and push them away either by ignoring them completely and so inforcing their distance or being so overwhelmingly needy or nasty that they back away by themselves. Nothing they can do will be the right thing because I know deep down that they can't help me even if they try to as it's things out of their control. I get angry because even though deep down I know they are amazing friends I still want them to rescue me and make everything better which they just can't do. They may rescue me once but what about the next day/week when I feel like that again. It's unsustainable and completely toxic to any frienship.
I want someone to be there with me when Im scared of the suicidal thoughts running through my head, when I can't breath, when I feel like I want to physically hurt my kids, when Im buying tablets and razor blades from the shop even though I don't really want to.  If theres one thing I've leart over the years is that people let you down, even the nicest ones and even when people say they are there for you, they really mean I'm there for you but your 10th on my list of priorities! which is not at all wrong, family should be priority absolutely but the reality of that means that people whose family have disowned them or have irrepairable broken relationships basically are on their own. Your noones priority.

I don't know who I am, in fact I'm not sure I've ever known. I think if I had a Husband and a bigger house i'd be ok but I know that's not true, maybe for a while but I can't escape myself and I am the problem noone else. The core issue is me. Take away kids runaway dad, my childhood, hurtful words from others ect, it still leaves me. I'm actually a bad person but  people are trying to convince me that i'm not and that good is inside. But I'm finding it hard to find. I love Jesus and am hanging on to him for dear life at the moment however pathetic my efforts are. I have to hold on because without him there is no hope, and no goodness to be found, just darkness everywhere slowly sufforcating those it meets. Not what a christian should be like really is it, but I believe that Jesus is 100%  real and good and loving but also that the spiritual battle and strongholds are also 100% real and sometimes for people who have been brought up to know no different it is very very difficult to trust and hold onto truths which seem so opposite to what you've ever known.

I saw a programme the other day which talked about a girls struggle with anorexia to the point of almost dieing. They were explaining to her parents why she couldn't just start eating and get better.

The doctor described it like this:
Imagine your boat had sunk and you were stranded in the sea clutching the only lifebelt  for miles around. Then someone in the distance shouts for you to leave the lifebelt and swim over to them. In that situation you would find it very very difficult to let go of that lifebelt and extreemly hard to trust anyone telling you to do so.

This was describing anorexia but I instantly could relate it to me and bpd, self harm in fact any bad coping strategies which look foolish to those outside but to me are my only way of surviving and it's very difficult to trust someone telling me to let go and all will be ok.
Do't get me wrong I do let go sometimes but I don't stray too far in case \i need it again!

Does that make any sense? I hope so.

All going wrong again

Ok so things are always up and down but over the last few months I thought things were predictable even if not great. I was a good fair mummy for the majority of the time and was starting to really enjoy being with my children again.
But now things arn't predictable at all in fact it's fast spiralling out of control. Social anxiety has been bad for a while which does make me frustrated but now its not so much anger but unpredictable pure rage. The scary thing is I don't necessarily see it coming until its already happening. One refusal to walk to school or get dressed and thats it, I completely overreact and end up turning it into a war. Neither me nor my daughter are good at backing down in a fight and I know i'm the adult and shes the child but try telling my BPD that! I can here myself saying all of this horrible stuff and wondering where its coming from, where has all this hatred come from. Its like I unleash emotions that are way beyond the actual situation. A dropped pea on the floor at dinner time shouldn't (normally) cause such rage should it?
I can't remember what exactly enraged me last night, probably a bad attitude or general reluctance to go to bed but I know I said some horrid things. The scary thing is that I've always been a nice girl (i think) but yet such nastiness flowed so easily from my mouth. I remember saying you make me want to die, maybe i should just kill myself if you hate me so much, My daughter then asked how do you kill yourself? she didnt know that that was an option in life, why would she , shes only young. This should of been enough to stop me in my tracks but no I polluted her innocent mind by telling her you can walk in front of a bus or train. She then went to bed sobbing and telling me she loved me and didn't want me to die. Even my youngest came and laid with e in bed, hugging me saying it's ok mummy I love you, it'll be ok. Hes 4!!

What kind of parent am I, an extremely messed up one and I'm only too aware of the damage i'm doing. I love them so much and when i'm feeling well I honestly think im a pretty good parent but when im ill I just fall to pieces. If only doctors ect would listen to me, I need a CPN, someone who I can be honest with and tell them when im not doing good. Even if they had a placement for the kids or friends who were willing to take over for a day or two when I felt bad it would protect the kids from so much damage. Instead they go thought the battle with me and usually come out wounded (emotionally)
I am sometimes honest with a friend of mine about whats happening and in my own way i'm crying for help but it seems noone wants to get involved. I believe they do care but its a situation where by people would rather just pretend everything is fine and expect me to smile accordingly. Silence says a thousand words, it says to me Im not going to reply because I don't know what to say. It speaks judgement over me and confirms what I already know. Things are bad!! I just have to keep going and try to have more good days than bad and use the good days to build my kids up again.

I feel like a bad christian, and I know people who would say what a load of rubbish. But it worries me. How can I love Jesus yet act in the most darkest of ways, spending my time thinking of how bad things are are, suicide and self harm. I am disengaging from everything, I feel ashamed of who i've become. A daughter of the most high God would not act the way I do would she?? and I'm supposed to be able to do all thing through christ who gives me strength but I can't even talk to people let alone share the gospel with them. Im hardly witnessing by the way I live. Its all just so hard to hold onto, where are the fruits of the spirit in my life, and if there not there then what? am I not a christian, or am I to be thrown into the fire for not bearing fruit. The bible scares me at the moment , when it used to encourage me.