Have to keep it together.
No one can know how messed up my head is. I have to keep it a secret.
How do I know what's real and what's fake, how do I know that any of this is real and not just lies to screw with my brain. My mind is like a rubiks cube that is completely scrambled. I know what it should look like and all day and night I am trying to unscramble it and make sense of it but I can't and I just feel frustrated and hopeless. Or do I? Even that sounds like a lie because earlier today I was listening to music and happy and positive. Who was that person or perhaps the question is who is this person now writing this? How can someone's mood and thoughts change so much.
I feel trapped as can't talk to anyone anymore. I opened up in therapy and they destroyed me. No SHE destroyed me and they did nothing to stop it and didn't believe me. I know it happened, she was deliberately trying to hurt me and was clever enough to do it in a way that couldn't be proven. One part of me deserved it, and I know she saw the evil part of me but the other part maybe the innocent child part didn't deserve it. I just wanted help and to be understood and heard and cared for like the rest of the group. Am I that bad that people who are paid to care still reject me. I trusted the process I opened up, I was honest and all it got me was rejection, heartache and a 100% reinforced belief that no one will ever want the real me and I should NEVER EVER open up or trust anyone.
That's it now. No more therapists, no doctors, I don't want any of them anywhere near me. If only they could feel what pain I felt and still feel through what happened in that place. It's supposed to be ultimately healing not traumatising. I honestly feel traumatised by the experience. I feel hot, sweaty, panicky, angry, and so so hurt. But why me, that's what I'm trying to figure out. If everyone had a bad experience of that place then I could say it's a bad treatment but I know it's a great treatment for most. I didn't want to leave because I believed it was what I needed to get better but it didn't work out how I hoped. Maybe I built it up in my mind to be so healing and everyone so caring but I was misunderstood, pushed away when I wanted to do my work and psychologically screwed over by a therapist who thought she did nothing wrong by attending to everyone else's emotional needs while leaving me to cry for an hour or actively moving the conversation away from me if I tried to speak. In a family that would be abuse but in therapy it's just my issues and dressed up as transference. Ok so she didn't like me, unfortunate, but it happens. But to then refuse to let me change groups to a different therapist that's just cruel. It was like torture week after week. Ok more stuff was going on that just that - parental figure blah blah blah but whatever it was to actively ignore me, show no compassion and give me no reason why I was being punished was the most horrendous thing I've ever experienced.the occasional time she did make a comment was to put me down and remind me that I'm a bad parent ect ect. It's like my little girl inside was screaming and crying and begging for acknowledgement of my very existence. But got nothing. I was in emotional hell and could do nothing but sob and the reaction I got was nothing. Not the nothing when your left to cry but the room is silent and with you in your pain. I'm talking about the nothing whereby life carries on as if you were not there at all. People laugh, have conversations all around you , it's literally as if you don't exist, but in a small group and in an environment such as therapy that is not by accident. That is an active decision. Even a stranger would not be able to ignore an infant in real distress without at least a compassionate glance there way. Now I hear she's leaving. That makes me angry. So she can do this to me and then just bugger off and leave me like this without any resolution, help, explanation. I didn't even get to say goodbye to people and they say endings are important yet I got a phone call telling me not to come back 2 days after I was in hospital for being suicidal 😥😥😥. It's like me phoning my daughter and telling her not to come back home from school any more, I know it sounds ridiculous but that's how much I needed them and how completely devastating it was. Now I have to keep it all inside. I'm trying to be positive, sort myself out and be strong but it's building up and up and I'm starting to crumble. It's too much to hold but if it comes out it will destroy any positives that I have put in place like uni ect. Do I live a double life.am I sane or mad. Is being well just not telling anyone about what's happening in your mind, or not acting out. Maybe everyone thinks about killing themselves, maybe everyone sees things spinning in their heads or stays awake at night sweating and scared. Or has bursts of complete out of the blue anger or tearfulness. I don't know anymore. I've been told no more treatment and that just because I remain in distress doesn't mean I should be offered therapy. So I'll have to either sort myself out or admit defeat and say goodbye once and for all. After all if I cant help me and the professionals have given up on me then what else is there. No one can say I'm not trying 110%. I've tried waking up and just saying from now on I'm gonna be sane as I have so much invested in me being sane, my kids, my future career as a nurse, and a chance to have a relationship and be happy. Unfortunately the shit comes back, even went to Spain on hols and it followed me there. The was no agenda as some people think I get something out of this sI hit ( attention, care ect) in Spain I knew no one and told no one. But I still melted down, I still felt out of control. It made me realise just how out of my control it becomes at times.
That's it now. No more therapists, no doctors, I don't want any of them anywhere near me. If only they could feel what pain I felt and still feel through what happened in that place. It's supposed to be ultimately healing not traumatising. I honestly feel traumatised by the experience. I feel hot, sweaty, panicky, angry, and so so hurt. But why me, that's what I'm trying to figure out. If everyone had a bad experience of that place then I could say it's a bad treatment but I know it's a great treatment for most. I didn't want to leave because I believed it was what I needed to get better but it didn't work out how I hoped. Maybe I built it up in my mind to be so healing and everyone so caring but I was misunderstood, pushed away when I wanted to do my work and psychologically screwed over by a therapist who thought she did nothing wrong by attending to everyone else's emotional needs while leaving me to cry for an hour or actively moving the conversation away from me if I tried to speak. In a family that would be abuse but in therapy it's just my issues and dressed up as transference. Ok so she didn't like me, unfortunate, but it happens. But to then refuse to let me change groups to a different therapist that's just cruel. It was like torture week after week. Ok more stuff was going on that just that - parental figure blah blah blah but whatever it was to actively ignore me, show no compassion and give me no reason why I was being punished was the most horrendous thing I've ever experienced.the occasional time she did make a comment was to put me down and remind me that I'm a bad parent ect ect. It's like my little girl inside was screaming and crying and begging for acknowledgement of my very existence. But got nothing. I was in emotional hell and could do nothing but sob and the reaction I got was nothing. Not the nothing when your left to cry but the room is silent and with you in your pain. I'm talking about the nothing whereby life carries on as if you were not there at all. People laugh, have conversations all around you , it's literally as if you don't exist, but in a small group and in an environment such as therapy that is not by accident. That is an active decision. Even a stranger would not be able to ignore an infant in real distress without at least a compassionate glance there way. Now I hear she's leaving. That makes me angry. So she can do this to me and then just bugger off and leave me like this without any resolution, help, explanation. I didn't even get to say goodbye to people and they say endings are important yet I got a phone call telling me not to come back 2 days after I was in hospital for being suicidal 😥😥😥. It's like me phoning my daughter and telling her not to come back home from school any more, I know it sounds ridiculous but that's how much I needed them and how completely devastating it was. Now I have to keep it all inside. I'm trying to be positive, sort myself out and be strong but it's building up and up and I'm starting to crumble. It's too much to hold but if it comes out it will destroy any positives that I have put in place like uni ect. Do I live a double life.am I sane or mad. Is being well just not telling anyone about what's happening in your mind, or not acting out. Maybe everyone thinks about killing themselves, maybe everyone sees things spinning in their heads or stays awake at night sweating and scared. Or has bursts of complete out of the blue anger or tearfulness. I don't know anymore. I've been told no more treatment and that just because I remain in distress doesn't mean I should be offered therapy. So I'll have to either sort myself out or admit defeat and say goodbye once and for all. After all if I cant help me and the professionals have given up on me then what else is there. No one can say I'm not trying 110%. I've tried waking up and just saying from now on I'm gonna be sane as I have so much invested in me being sane, my kids, my future career as a nurse, and a chance to have a relationship and be happy. Unfortunately the shit comes back, even went to Spain on hols and it followed me there. The was no agenda as some people think I get something out of this sI hit ( attention, care ect) in Spain I knew no one and told no one. But I still melted down, I still felt out of control. It made me realise just how out of my control it becomes at times.
Im so lonely and really want a relationship now, it's been like 6 years now but there is such strong walls up I dought anyone would ever get through even if they wanted too. It's probably best though as I am bad bad news so for their sake my selfish desires will have to just die and I need to except that it's not possible because I'm not stable, I can't/won't trust anyone anymore and I'm so repulsive that even if I did let them in they would turn around and run as soon as they saw my fat, scars and stretch marks and I'm not just being a bit insecure, they really are that bad.
I live only for my kids and wonder if I'm really doing the right thing by continuing to try because I just keep failing over and over again. My best is not even close to being good enough and I know it. I'm trying to offload by starting to blog again. If you read this it will probably make no sense but at least it's out of my head for a while.
