All going wrong again

Ok so things are always up and down but over the last few months I thought things were predictable even if not great. I was a good fair mummy for the majority of the time and was starting to really enjoy being with my children again.
But now things arn't predictable at all in fact it's fast spiralling out of control. Social anxiety has been bad for a while which does make me frustrated but now its not so much anger but unpredictable pure rage. The scary thing is I don't necessarily see it coming until its already happening. One refusal to walk to school or get dressed and thats it, I completely overreact and end up turning it into a war. Neither me nor my daughter are good at backing down in a fight and I know i'm the adult and shes the child but try telling my BPD that! I can here myself saying all of this horrible stuff and wondering where its coming from, where has all this hatred come from. Its like I unleash emotions that are way beyond the actual situation. A dropped pea on the floor at dinner time shouldn't (normally) cause such rage should it?
I can't remember what exactly enraged me last night, probably a bad attitude or general reluctance to go to bed but I know I said some horrid things. The scary thing is that I've always been a nice girl (i think) but yet such nastiness flowed so easily from my mouth. I remember saying you make me want to die, maybe i should just kill myself if you hate me so much, My daughter then asked how do you kill yourself? she didnt know that that was an option in life, why would she , shes only young. This should of been enough to stop me in my tracks but no I polluted her innocent mind by telling her you can walk in front of a bus or train. She then went to bed sobbing and telling me she loved me and didn't want me to die. Even my youngest came and laid with e in bed, hugging me saying it's ok mummy I love you, it'll be ok. Hes 4!!

What kind of parent am I, an extremely messed up one and I'm only too aware of the damage i'm doing. I love them so much and when i'm feeling well I honestly think im a pretty good parent but when im ill I just fall to pieces. If only doctors ect would listen to me, I need a CPN, someone who I can be honest with and tell them when im not doing good. Even if they had a placement for the kids or friends who were willing to take over for a day or two when I felt bad it would protect the kids from so much damage. Instead they go thought the battle with me and usually come out wounded (emotionally)
I am sometimes honest with a friend of mine about whats happening and in my own way i'm crying for help but it seems noone wants to get involved. I believe they do care but its a situation where by people would rather just pretend everything is fine and expect me to smile accordingly. Silence says a thousand words, it says to me Im not going to reply because I don't know what to say. It speaks judgement over me and confirms what I already know. Things are bad!! I just have to keep going and try to have more good days than bad and use the good days to build my kids up again.

I feel like a bad christian, and I know people who would say what a load of rubbish. But it worries me. How can I love Jesus yet act in the most darkest of ways, spending my time thinking of how bad things are are, suicide and self harm. I am disengaging from everything, I feel ashamed of who i've become. A daughter of the most high God would not act the way I do would she?? and I'm supposed to be able to do all thing through christ who gives me strength but I can't even talk to people let alone share the gospel with them. Im hardly witnessing by the way I live. Its all just so hard to hold onto, where are the fruits of the spirit in my life, and if there not there then what? am I not a christian, or am I to be thrown into the fire for not bearing fruit. The bible scares me at the moment , when it used to encourage me.

Putting on the daily face

Ok so today I went to church in fact I went to three different services.
Why? Well partly to study Gods word but also because I was desperately searching. Searching for a place where I could be myself, let my guard down and feel I truely belonged.
Did I find it? Well yes and no!
In each service the people were welcoming and friendly, the teaching and worship were good and to be honest a lot of my friends were there so I should have no reason not to feel I belong.

But I didn't FEEL I belonged. I didn't FEEL engaged in the worship or teaching. I went through the motions and don't get me wrong I really do love God but today I just felt, well nothing much at all.
Kind of numb I suppose, I put on my happy face and however much I wanted to rip it off and show how I really feel, I couldn't. I don't know how to be myself anymore as I've hidden me for too long. I mean who am I? I know who I pretend to be, but that person is a fake, well most of it anyway, it's hard to know which bits are the real me and which bits arn't.

When I take of the happy face Im not happy, I'm lonely, depressed, anxious, helpless and angry at myself, the world and everyone in it.
Its like I'm in a dream or something. I sit in my living room at night and look around wondering how I got here - alone, terrified of people,covered in scars, an angry depressed single mum with too (amazing) children looking to me for guidance.My children are a good thing but I know how damaging this environment is for them and with there dad running off as well I just feel sorry for them and guilty that I can't be a good mum to them.

My kids make me so angry, they know which buttons to press and press them repeatedly till i'm crying in the corner or saying things I don't mean and then feeling terribly guilty after. Apart from normal child misbehaviour the other reason they make me angry is because in my messed up world THEY are the reason I'm alive, which at first sounds like a good thing, but for someone who is miserable and wants to die this means I can't because they depend on me and I love them which means I have to stay alive for them.

Sometimes it feels like a trap, I can't get out of this nightmare and noone can make me better, so I have to keep going, with feelings of suicide, self harm, and anxiety.
Of course I have good times too, there are days when I feel I belong and I have one or two safe people who I trust. The worse thing is the extreem fast changing feelings. Happy to suicidal within 5 mins, all it takes is a percieved rejection, or feeling abandoned, or a reminder that I am all alone when I go home.

I have so many scriptures hilighted in my bible and I do believe that Gods word is truth but a lot of the times my feelings are so overwhelming that it becomes impossible to hold onto them. Maybe thats a lack of faith on my part but thats just how it is. I used to have a prayer partner but she bailed on me soon after we started. Partly because I think she knew I found it difficult praying for her and the whole social side of it but I also got the feeling that I just had too many problems and was too messed up to get involved with. Another rejection, another failure. I can't even get being a christian right. Some people have tried to help me and have actually done a huge amount for me but after a while they just burn out and get on with there lives. I mean when someones ill/had a baby/grieving then it works great, the church community rallies round the person with meals/practical support and prayer and then as the person gets better/needs less support they back off but for me I never got better! Most of the time I pretend that I am better - mostly to keep others happy. If I'm not ok then people want to know what the problem is. I don't always have a reason for feeling the way I do, in fact a lot of the time its quite irrational so I just make up a reason, again to keep them happy. Noone understands that whatever gapping hole I have in my soul cannot be filled by any amount of kind deeds (which are lovely of course) but give temporary happiness. Thats why I get angry/dissapointed with people, because I expect them to fix me/ help me/ make me feel better and no amount of there love will ever do that. I set people up to fail, expecting them to be my family, when of course there not and so there priorities will always be with there actual family, leaving me feeling abandoned, put in my place and reminding me of the harsh reality that I will never have a loving supportive family like them.
God is the only one who can fill the huge hole in my soul. I know this and have felt what its like to give it all over to him , yet I still continuously pull away from him and try to fill the hole else where.
Just realised as i'm writing that its really no different to what I do to my friends. Once I trust someone I pour myself out to them and tell them all my worries then when they start to become close friends I pull away or push them away with my stupid manipulative/or just difficult behaviour.
I have so much self awareness from being in that therapeutic community which is great but very frustrating as I still do the behaviour and can see the trail of destruction I leave behind me as I go!!

The battle within

         This is my first blog and I am just going to

                     write and see what comes out. :)

I love people, I hate people

I want to live, I want to die

Im forgiven, I'm evil

These are some of the constant battles I have going on in my daily life.

In my heart I want more than anything to reach out to those around me, to love them, be hospitable to them and show them the love of God  just as others have to me over the years. BUT no matter what good intentions I might have I just can't do it.
In fact anything that involves me initiating the conversation just doesn't happen.
Im terrified of people, whether its talking to them or being with them I just become this crazy different person who freaks out and wants to run far away.

 Its not them I want to run away from specifically it's the feelings the always come in that situation.If I can't run away and Im forced to socialise whether for a short or long period of time I analyse everything and I mean EVERYTHING that happens during that time. Body language, what they say, what I say, what isn't said, what I think they want to say but are too polite. It's ridiculous my mind will always find something whether real/imagined/perceived that will back up my negative beliefs about myself.

Let me give you some examples
Social situation - school gates
long to be able to chat and build friendships with other mums but fear is too strong to approach anyone, i mean what do I have to talk about anyway, I know nothing about anything, so I stand alone every day. If people wanted to talk to me then they would right? well noone talks to me ever - so that proves in my head that no one wants to talk to me so I must be different to the other mums who are all chatting away with ease. In a way the pain of isolation and exclusion is easier than the anxiety of approaching someone and the utter devastation of the inevitable 'getting it wrong' if I did speak to them.

Church

I Love God with all my heart and am lucky to have christian friends who seem to hang despite me freaking out all the time, loving them one day, being angry at them the next (for not being messed up like me) and completely avoiding them another day. I sit on my own in church despite having all these friends around it's safer that way. If they chose to come and sit with me then thats fine but I cant take the chance of sitting with them and then worrying  that maybe they didnt want me there or were saving it for someone better............you get the idea!

After knowing these guys for 4 years there are still only one or two safe people that I will talk to about how I really feel and who provoke the least anxiety in me. (This is not guaranteed though)
When I joined around 4 years ago I needed ALOT of emotional healing from past events and a safe place to let it all out. I cried every Sunday solidly for about a year because I managed to finally let down my barriers and give my stuff to God while being supported by some of the most generous and caring people I've met. You may think- um u dont seem very sorted - but believe me I 've come a very long way, I just have lots of layers and unfortunately I've added a few more since then.

Extra layers

3 and a half years ago my 7 year relationship with my 2 kids father came to an end. No one person to blame, we both made mistakes. Contact with his kids rapidly decreased into no contact at all, no birthday card, no contact details, nothing = brokenhearted children, one of which was my daughter who was a daddys girl from the start and I watched her be completely crushed as she basically discovered that her precious daddy wasn't coming and more, he had in essence abandoned her. She was pretty angry, sad in fact she was a mess and ended up in counselling for a while.

At the same time as all this rubbish I had just entered an 18 month therapeutic community which required me to come off of all my antidepressants in order to join. They described there approach of therapy like breaking an acorn open with a sledgehammer, thats certainly what it felt like with no medication, chaos at home and a group of people in therapy who pushed every button I had and brought every raw emotion to the surface. Basically the way it works is that all the relational problems you experience in normal life are reflected in your relationships within the TC. Its like one big dysfunctional family!! Its not a gently 'there there approach but more of a brutally honest 'your a manipulative cow' approach.

All in all a VERY eye opening experience and I have gained massive insight into what I do and why I do it and I think regarding the BPD especially It has made me stop and think alot when I start acting out and doing what I have always done, whether it be self harm, or pushing my friends away, it has helped me realise 1. what Im doing 2. why 3. how it effects the other person (as group members told me in no uncertain words) and 4. that ultimately it is not a good coping strategy and usually hurts the people who care the most. First I got love and sympathy from the group, the men thought I was sweet and wanted to protect me and a lot of the women mothered me like i was there daughter. But I did my normal tricks of push pulling and basically pissing them all off so much that the sympathy left and I got anger instead even when I was very low they seemed to have lost all compassion, whatever button I had pressed I wished I hadn't as they along with the therapists eventually kicked me out of the community saying it was not safe for me as I was disengaging. (who wouldn't if a whole group met you with anger and hostility every week when ur life was falling apart around you.

The main therapist was a man who in the group was a father figure so rejecting me when I most needed help deeply wounded me.To this day I think it was very badly handled considering ow it all works. Build a make shift family for 18 months then one day (unplanned, which is vastly different to planned which is a happy, fun occasion) just kick them out, ur not wanted any more, we can't help you.

That reinforced everything I had ever thought about myself.

Including -
I mess everything up
I'm rubbish with other people, theres something wrong with me .
Noone can help me
Noone wants me around
Im evil (the word I actually cut into my leg during my stint in therapy)
I should just kill myself.

Since then things have been very much a roller coaster ride. I have made some amazing friendships with one family in particular and have managed to retain a few other amazing friends which I am soooo grateful to for sticking around although I still have no idea why any of them do. Actually thats not true, I know why, its for my kids. My kids are truly wonderful and are the reason Im still here fighting, a true blessing from God.