Ok so things are always up and down but over the last few months I thought things were predictable even if not great. I was a good fair mummy for the majority of the time and was starting to really enjoy being with my children again.
But now things arn't predictable at all in fact it's fast spiralling out of control. Social anxiety has been bad for a while which does make me frustrated but now its not so much anger but unpredictable pure rage. The scary thing is I don't necessarily see it coming until its already happening. One refusal to walk to school or get dressed and thats it, I completely overreact and end up turning it into a war. Neither me nor my daughter are good at backing down in a fight and I know i'm the adult and shes the child but try telling my BPD that! I can here myself saying all of this horrible stuff and wondering where its coming from, where has all this hatred come from. Its like I unleash emotions that are way beyond the actual situation. A dropped pea on the floor at dinner time shouldn't (normally) cause such rage should it?
I can't remember what exactly enraged me last night, probably a bad attitude or general reluctance to go to bed but I know I said some horrid things. The scary thing is that I've always been a nice girl (i think) but yet such nastiness flowed so easily from my mouth. I remember saying you make me want to die, maybe i should just kill myself if you hate me so much, My daughter then asked how do you kill yourself? she didnt know that that was an option in life, why would she , shes only young. This should of been enough to stop me in my tracks but no I polluted her innocent mind by telling her you can walk in front of a bus or train. She then went to bed sobbing and telling me she loved me and didn't want me to die. Even my youngest came and laid with e in bed, hugging me saying it's ok mummy I love you, it'll be ok. Hes 4!!
What kind of parent am I, an extremely messed up one and I'm only too aware of the damage i'm doing. I love them so much and when i'm feeling well I honestly think im a pretty good parent but when im ill I just fall to pieces. If only doctors ect would listen to me, I need a CPN, someone who I can be honest with and tell them when im not doing good. Even if they had a placement for the kids or friends who were willing to take over for a day or two when I felt bad it would protect the kids from so much damage. Instead they go thought the battle with me and usually come out wounded (emotionally)
I am sometimes honest with a friend of mine about whats happening and in my own way i'm crying for help but it seems noone wants to get involved. I believe they do care but its a situation where by people would rather just pretend everything is fine and expect me to smile accordingly. Silence says a thousand words, it says to me Im not going to reply because I don't know what to say. It speaks judgement over me and confirms what I already know. Things are bad!! I just have to keep going and try to have more good days than bad and use the good days to build my kids up again.
I feel like a bad christian, and I know people who would say what a load of rubbish. But it worries me. How can I love Jesus yet act in the most darkest of ways, spending my time thinking of how bad things are are, suicide and self harm. I am disengaging from everything, I feel ashamed of who i've become. A daughter of the most high God would not act the way I do would she?? and I'm supposed to be able to do all thing through christ who gives me strength but I can't even talk to people let alone share the gospel with them. Im hardly witnessing by the way I live. Its all just so hard to hold onto, where are the fruits of the spirit in my life, and if there not there then what? am I not a christian, or am I to be thrown into the fire for not bearing fruit. The bible scares me at the moment , when it used to encourage me.
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