The battle within

         This is my first blog and I am just going to

                     write and see what comes out. :)

I love people, I hate people

I want to live, I want to die

Im forgiven, I'm evil

These are some of the constant battles I have going on in my daily life.

In my heart I want more than anything to reach out to those around me, to love them, be hospitable to them and show them the love of God  just as others have to me over the years. BUT no matter what good intentions I might have I just can't do it.
In fact anything that involves me initiating the conversation just doesn't happen.
Im terrified of people, whether its talking to them or being with them I just become this crazy different person who freaks out and wants to run far away.

 Its not them I want to run away from specifically it's the feelings the always come in that situation.If I can't run away and Im forced to socialise whether for a short or long period of time I analyse everything and I mean EVERYTHING that happens during that time. Body language, what they say, what I say, what isn't said, what I think they want to say but are too polite. It's ridiculous my mind will always find something whether real/imagined/perceived that will back up my negative beliefs about myself.

Let me give you some examples
Social situation - school gates
long to be able to chat and build friendships with other mums but fear is too strong to approach anyone, i mean what do I have to talk about anyway, I know nothing about anything, so I stand alone every day. If people wanted to talk to me then they would right? well noone talks to me ever - so that proves in my head that no one wants to talk to me so I must be different to the other mums who are all chatting away with ease. In a way the pain of isolation and exclusion is easier than the anxiety of approaching someone and the utter devastation of the inevitable 'getting it wrong' if I did speak to them.

Church

I Love God with all my heart and am lucky to have christian friends who seem to hang despite me freaking out all the time, loving them one day, being angry at them the next (for not being messed up like me) and completely avoiding them another day. I sit on my own in church despite having all these friends around it's safer that way. If they chose to come and sit with me then thats fine but I cant take the chance of sitting with them and then worrying  that maybe they didnt want me there or were saving it for someone better............you get the idea!

After knowing these guys for 4 years there are still only one or two safe people that I will talk to about how I really feel and who provoke the least anxiety in me. (This is not guaranteed though)
When I joined around 4 years ago I needed ALOT of emotional healing from past events and a safe place to let it all out. I cried every Sunday solidly for about a year because I managed to finally let down my barriers and give my stuff to God while being supported by some of the most generous and caring people I've met. You may think- um u dont seem very sorted - but believe me I 've come a very long way, I just have lots of layers and unfortunately I've added a few more since then.

Extra layers

3 and a half years ago my 7 year relationship with my 2 kids father came to an end. No one person to blame, we both made mistakes. Contact with his kids rapidly decreased into no contact at all, no birthday card, no contact details, nothing = brokenhearted children, one of which was my daughter who was a daddys girl from the start and I watched her be completely crushed as she basically discovered that her precious daddy wasn't coming and more, he had in essence abandoned her. She was pretty angry, sad in fact she was a mess and ended up in counselling for a while.

At the same time as all this rubbish I had just entered an 18 month therapeutic community which required me to come off of all my antidepressants in order to join. They described there approach of therapy like breaking an acorn open with a sledgehammer, thats certainly what it felt like with no medication, chaos at home and a group of people in therapy who pushed every button I had and brought every raw emotion to the surface. Basically the way it works is that all the relational problems you experience in normal life are reflected in your relationships within the TC. Its like one big dysfunctional family!! Its not a gently 'there there approach but more of a brutally honest 'your a manipulative cow' approach.

All in all a VERY eye opening experience and I have gained massive insight into what I do and why I do it and I think regarding the BPD especially It has made me stop and think alot when I start acting out and doing what I have always done, whether it be self harm, or pushing my friends away, it has helped me realise 1. what Im doing 2. why 3. how it effects the other person (as group members told me in no uncertain words) and 4. that ultimately it is not a good coping strategy and usually hurts the people who care the most. First I got love and sympathy from the group, the men thought I was sweet and wanted to protect me and a lot of the women mothered me like i was there daughter. But I did my normal tricks of push pulling and basically pissing them all off so much that the sympathy left and I got anger instead even when I was very low they seemed to have lost all compassion, whatever button I had pressed I wished I hadn't as they along with the therapists eventually kicked me out of the community saying it was not safe for me as I was disengaging. (who wouldn't if a whole group met you with anger and hostility every week when ur life was falling apart around you.

The main therapist was a man who in the group was a father figure so rejecting me when I most needed help deeply wounded me.To this day I think it was very badly handled considering ow it all works. Build a make shift family for 18 months then one day (unplanned, which is vastly different to planned which is a happy, fun occasion) just kick them out, ur not wanted any more, we can't help you.

That reinforced everything I had ever thought about myself.

Including -
I mess everything up
I'm rubbish with other people, theres something wrong with me .
Noone can help me
Noone wants me around
Im evil (the word I actually cut into my leg during my stint in therapy)
I should just kill myself.

Since then things have been very much a roller coaster ride. I have made some amazing friendships with one family in particular and have managed to retain a few other amazing friends which I am soooo grateful to for sticking around although I still have no idea why any of them do. Actually thats not true, I know why, its for my kids. My kids are truly wonderful and are the reason Im still here fighting, a true blessing from God.