Ok so today I went to church in fact I went to three different services.
Why? Well partly to study Gods word but also because I was desperately searching. Searching for a place where I could be myself, let my guard down and feel I truely belonged.
Did I find it? Well yes and no!
In each service the people were welcoming and friendly, the teaching and worship were good and to be honest a lot of my friends were there so I should have no reason not to feel I belong.
But I didn't FEEL I belonged. I didn't FEEL engaged in the worship or teaching. I went through the motions and don't get me wrong I really do love God but today I just felt, well nothing much at all.
Kind of numb I suppose, I put on my happy face and however much I wanted to rip it off and show how I really feel, I couldn't. I don't know how to be myself anymore as I've hidden me for too long. I mean who am I? I know who I pretend to be, but that person is a fake, well most of it anyway, it's hard to know which bits are the real me and which bits arn't.
When I take of the happy face Im not happy, I'm lonely, depressed, anxious, helpless and angry at myself, the world and everyone in it.
Its like I'm in a dream or something. I sit in my living room at night and look around wondering how I got here - alone, terrified of people,covered in scars, an angry depressed single mum with too (amazing) children looking to me for guidance.My children are a good thing but I know how damaging this environment is for them and with there dad running off as well I just feel sorry for them and guilty that I can't be a good mum to them.
My kids make me so angry, they know which buttons to press and press them repeatedly till i'm crying in the corner or saying things I don't mean and then feeling terribly guilty after. Apart from normal child misbehaviour the other reason they make me angry is because in my messed up world THEY are the reason I'm alive, which at first sounds like a good thing, but for someone who is miserable and wants to die this means I can't because they depend on me and I love them which means I have to stay alive for them.
Sometimes it feels like a trap, I can't get out of this nightmare and noone can make me better, so I have to keep going, with feelings of suicide, self harm, and anxiety.
Of course I have good times too, there are days when I feel I belong and I have one or two safe people who I trust. The worse thing is the extreem fast changing feelings. Happy to suicidal within 5 mins, all it takes is a percieved rejection, or feeling abandoned, or a reminder that I am all alone when I go home.
I have so many scriptures hilighted in my bible and I do believe that Gods word is truth but a lot of the times my feelings are so overwhelming that it becomes impossible to hold onto them. Maybe thats a lack of faith on my part but thats just how it is. I used to have a prayer partner but she bailed on me soon after we started. Partly because I think she knew I found it difficult praying for her and the whole social side of it but I also got the feeling that I just had too many problems and was too messed up to get involved with. Another rejection, another failure. I can't even get being a christian right. Some people have tried to help me and have actually done a huge amount for me but after a while they just burn out and get on with there lives. I mean when someones ill/had a baby/grieving then it works great, the church community rallies round the person with meals/practical support and prayer and then as the person gets better/needs less support they back off but for me I never got better! Most of the time I pretend that I am better - mostly to keep others happy. If I'm not ok then people want to know what the problem is. I don't always have a reason for feeling the way I do, in fact a lot of the time its quite irrational so I just make up a reason, again to keep them happy. Noone understands that whatever gapping hole I have in my soul cannot be filled by any amount of kind deeds (which are lovely of course) but give temporary happiness. Thats why I get angry/dissapointed with people, because I expect them to fix me/ help me/ make me feel better and no amount of there love will ever do that. I set people up to fail, expecting them to be my family, when of course there not and so there priorities will always be with there actual family, leaving me feeling abandoned, put in my place and reminding me of the harsh reality that I will never have a loving supportive family like them.
God is the only one who can fill the huge hole in my soul. I know this and have felt what its like to give it all over to him , yet I still continuously pull away from him and try to fill the hole else where.
Just realised as i'm writing that its really no different to what I do to my friends. Once I trust someone I pour myself out to them and tell them all my worries then when they start to become close friends I pull away or push them away with my stupid manipulative/or just difficult behaviour.
I have so much self awareness from being in that therapeutic community which is great but very frustrating as I still do the behaviour and can see the trail of destruction I leave behind me as I go!!
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