Sunday 20 October 2013

Completely alone and self harming

I'm feeling so low I don't know how I'm still functioning.
Self harming again but this time I'm not satisfied with just a scratch. I am aiming at veins/overdosing etc. and although my aim isn't to kill myself I very much leave it up to fate if I live or die. Life is so painful, and lonely that I sometimes wish that my body would make the decision for me so I don't feel the guilt and shame of making that choice. I just want the pain to stop. I have 2 beautiful children, a great job and belong to a lovely church but still I feel like this and I don't think that anything will ever change this feeling deep inside of me.

I never thought that it was possible to feel any worse than I do when i'm feeling very poorly, cutting, overdosing, and not functioning well at all. BUT I was wrong in the past I've had friends around me to cry on, talk to, help with kids ect but now I have no one. And it suddenly hit me that whether I tell people or not how I feel it make no difference as I have to ride it out on my own. It's one thing to feel like no one cares but when you actually could actually tell someone you want to die and their not interested it confirms your worst fears. I'm very aware that people with BPD often come across as manipulative and so I make a conscious effort not to involve people as much as I can. I work and hide my illness very well, Most of my life I wear a mask but sometimes it is too much to carry alone and as I have my kids who completely rely on me I feel I need someone to stand by me. I know they can't fix things or make me better but just knowing that someone cares, and I mean genuinely really cares would mean so much.

I love my kids but I have failed them over and over again and can't even do normal life and be a good enough mum for them. Nothing can make me better because being me and being alive = pain so deep that it cannot be healed. I don't know why it's there I just know that it is.

Is it wrong of me to want to be loved, cared for, wanted?
Is it wrong for me to want to belong?

I want to feel safe and no that someone has my back but when I turn around there is no one there.

Monday 4 March 2013

Self harming again

So yesterday I cut myself again, but this time deeper than before.
Its weird that doing such a horrid thing can actually make you feel calmer temporarily at least. It's like an expression of everything going on in my head that I either don't understand or simply can't express.
A little scratch doesn't do it for me anymore, I want to cut deeper and deeper, I want to see lots of blood or else i'm not satisfied. It seems really twisted but thats the truth.

I'm so so lonely.
Those people who are there for me and invite me out socially I push away and don't go due to anxiety, which means I usually find a million reasons to justify my non attendence ie no childcare ect but I know deep down it's actually my anxiety and fear of being in a social group.
Other people who have helped/rescued me in the past have wised up and are no longer there when I need them, not in the way I want anyway. I don' t blame them, I mean it's not their job to take care of me or listen to my problems.

The good news is i'm back on my fluoxetine and not been feeling suicidal for the last week but family life is rubbish at the moment, social problems are starting to become obvious at work, self harm has started again and I'm not feeling part of my church at all.

Saturday 16 February 2013

There's no way out

                                   There's No Way Out


I actually can't do this anymore.

Maybe it's selfish but I just can't keep living like this. I can't even enjoy my kids. Even the sound of them having fun makes me want to throw things at them (obviously i don't). The rest of the time they are arguing and fighting and yelling ect. It's pointless even trying to organise any activities to do with them or days out as they don't enjoy it, not with me anyway. If it is with someone else then yes they have a fab time, but not me.

Illness

For the last week i've had the flu which was miserable in itself but what made it worse is that I dragged myself into work all week when I clearly shouldn't of been there. Why? well i suppose I didn't want to let them down especially as there were already others off. Also I suppose I was scared to stop as when I stop I just fall to pieces. I just have to keep going and doing what I do whether I feel like it or not.

Fire

Stupidly on Sunday I left a box of tissues on top of my cooker hob which I had accidently left on from the night before. I got back from church to find my house filled with smoke and a pile of ash remaining on the hob. I was very lucky that it wasn't any worse but after almoset a week my house and most things in it still stink of smoke which is not helpful when recovering from the flu or in lifting my mood either.

Appointments

I had an appointment with both the doctor and the therapist this week. The doctor was actually very nice which makes a change, she put me back on a lower dose of fluoxetine so I can build it up slowly again. In a way i'm glad but at the same time dissapointed as in the month I was off of it I was waiting for me to reappear. What I mean by that is the person with emotions who cared about people and even if I cryed alot it was me and I felt real. Unfortuanately those emotions never came not one teardrop. The suicidal feelings were there, the self harm and some anger but not what I hoped for. Does that mean I've lost the ability to feel for ever or is this the real me an emotionless uncaring freak. I hope not but its not looking good.

My appoinntment with the therapist was short but had a huge impact. This is someone who has known me since I was about 17 so knows a lot of stuff. I found her very aggresive in her questions and very unsympathetic and uncaring. Its like i'd annoyed her just by coming to the appointment. Even the was she sat down with her little notepad and looked at me made me feel like she didn't want to be there, like I was a burden. I hate the way she thought she had me figured out before even listening to what I had to say. She brought up stuff from the past in a really mean way at least thats what it felt like. She basically said who are you going to blame this time for how bad your feeling. When you were little it was your mum and dad then it was your ex partner, so who now?
I don't know what she was trying to achieve by this approach but it just reinforced what I already know which is that it's me, it's all my fault. That's why noone can fix it because it's me that's wrong down to the core. Not what the bible says I know but it is what seems to be the case.
The therapist told me that in her opinion I need to go into a three day a week therapeutic community for 18 months. I have already been through a one day a week one less than two years ago which was traumatic enough and ended with social services involved and me being kicked out of the group 16 months into it. She said I should never have been put into that one as I need more intensive therapy! Why was I encouraged into it then?  If I do join this 3 day a week group I will have to give up my new job which I love and go onto benefits again. I will also have to stop my fluoxetine AGAIN as they have a strict no medication rule. In fact they have many strict rules!

I feel like my options are either to join this group which I know will be hell, it may not even help, i would have to give up meds and job. OR Carry on how I am. Hope the fluoxetine kicks in and takes the edge off of things allowing me to at least stay alive and keep working. Probably never be happy, be able to have any real friends, find or maintain relationships, grow old sad and alone or more probable kill myself way before that happens.

What kind of choice is that really?








Wednesday 6 February 2013

The Sad Truth

Just read an article on bpd parents and how they damage their kids. Please read full article here

The sad truth is that I completely agree with what it says and I don't know what to do about it.

I feel so alone and scared I just wish I could be different. I love my kids so so much but am not stupid and know they are suffering.

I wish people would support them, even if not me, at least then they would have some healthy adult interactions. I try to tell them that mummy gets ill sometimes and I always try to apologise if i've been unfair or overreacted but I can't seem to stop all the typical bpd traits creeping into my parenting as well as every other area of life.
SS say i'm doing well and so won't support me, I have a job now so that instantly makes me look like i'm doing better but I'm not.

One of my biggest supports has backed off and I can only assume setting boundaries because I probably became overwhelming and of course people are busy with their own family and lifes.
 Even though I know the importance of boundaries it does hurt, especially at the moment where I really am quite desperate and really just a hug or a text can give me a reason to keep going for another day. People are busy which is fine and I suppose they may think im being manipulative when i text them in crisis all the time. I know people can't drop everything especially when it is a common occurance but often it is a cry for help because I am scared and can't handle the pain alone any longer.

 I don't blame friends for ignoring me I mean i've been suicidal before and am still here so why is this time different. Oh if only they could feel what I feel just for a moment then they would understand. I shouldn't put people on a pedestall I know but I suppose I do as they represent hope that things can change, and that I don't have to do this alone.

Found this on someones blog. So So true, insane and stupid but true.

Tuesday 5 February 2013

This is how I feel

This is how I often feel.
 
cutting
 
Why can’t I just be normal, happy and enjoying life.
Why can I go from fine one minute to wanted to slice myself open he next.
 
 I’ve been off of Fluoxetine for more that 3 weeks now and still the ability to cry has not returned. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be crying all the time but I honestly think that if omeone close to me died at the moment I would still not cry, not because I don’t care but because I physically can’t. Everyone else thinks that I must be fine but the truth is every day is a huge struggle and I’m scared and lonely.
 
I know that noone is going to come and rescue me becasue noone can but yet still I hope they will.
 
I hope for a loving family environment for my kids but yet so often I fail on this because It’s a struggle to just get through the day and so I don’t give them the time or love they deserve.
 
I don’t seem to know how to live, it’s like I was put here by mistake and I have no idea how to fit in however mch I want to people just don’t want me around. And those that do I end up pushing away or being terrified of losing them.

Monday 4 February 2013

I'm never going to get better :(

It's suddenly dawned on me that I'm never going to get better. I can't escape who I am no matter how hard I try.
I sang in the worship team at church this morning and it was great to be involved and I reminded myself that it is a privalige to be able to worship freely without persection as so many people in other countries risk their life by doing so.

I find at the moment that I am singing despite how I feel which is all I can do reaaly. Proclaiming truths about who God is even though I'm feeling so rubbish.
I was ok in church till the end when the whole social anxiety thing kicked in. Yes I know it might soung weird that I can sing in front of people but not talk to them but that's how it is. Real life isn't rehearsed and so is unpredictable and scary. I made my daughter sit with me to keep me company while I had a cup of tea so that I didn't look like a complete loser on my own. It's painfully lonely to be on your own all the time but even more painful to be with people and leave feeling rejected, unwanted, stupid, and a failure. Not that people try to make me feel like this as they are all really lovely but my mind over analysis every word, action ect during a conversation and will usually turn even a positive conversation into something negative.

I've dumped so much on certain friends and now I have to let them go for their own sake.
The problem is that I put my trust in people and think that they can rescue me but the truth is that they can't. They are not my mother,father,husbnd,sister or whatever I expect them to be. They cannot fill those gaps for me no matter how much I might want them too. I just want someone to hug me and tell me it's ok and be there for me but the ugly truth is that I am approaching 30 not 3 and noone is going to soothe me and make everything better. People have their own families & there are good reasons why I am single and alone because I am too messed up and needy to meet anyone decent and I would ultimately destroy any relationship I had as I do with friendships.

 I always want what I can't have, maybe that's because I know I can't have it and so it makes it safe to feel feelings knowing that they will never be reciprocated. Sounds messed up I know but that's how I seem to work. Someone who is single  is much more terrifying than someone who is not. Not that I would persue that person in any way but I can't pretend I don't have feelings for them. I pray for a loving christian husband to come along but I also don't really want one because I know what I'm like and it would be so unfair to put any man through the craziness that comes with knowing me. I have to get better soon, I have to be able to be secure, to love, to trust to socialise, to do what normal healthy people do before I can dare look at getting into a relationship. I also need to do a lot of forgiving, deal with my anger and stop the crazy behaviour.

Am I just a horrid person hiding behind BPD or whatever other mental health label I want to use to cover up how I am?
Is everything in my life an act or a lie? What is actually true? Why am I so terrified of the future and also of the present?

Had a lovely chat with a friend tonight which helped calm me down alot, just having someone to talk too really helps.
Especially as the other person who I really feel like I need and am very dependant on seems to be annoyed with me or more probabal just fed up of it all. The thing is I don't blame her at all for backing away, people have to have boundaries to protect themselves otherwise they would be suffocated in my neediness especially when I'm not coping. Even though I understand why I still feel sad and angry because I need her to love me, shes like a mum to me and I suppose that I hope she will always be there for me no matter how much I mess up or throw tantrums. In reality though she's not my mum and she won't put up with my crap and neither should she.

 Now I know why they say people with BPD are toxic in relationships because they can test the patience of even the nicest people, destroy the friendship but somehow still see themselves as the victim.
I can only say this about me and can't speak for everyone with bpd but if I am completely honest with myself then I have to admit I do this even if I don't realise till it's too late.

Friday 1 February 2013

I gave in and cut :(

Ok so this morning I went to my local mental health hospital where I have seen many therapists in the past. I sat in my car for about 20mins before I finally plucked up the courage to go in.  I asked  if there was someone I could speak to and after sitting in the waiting room for a whie a lady came out and very unsympathetically told me that I could have an appointment but in two weeks time. I tried to stay calm and said ok but what can I do in the mean time, as I need help now. She said go to your doctors. Big Sigh!! this is the doctors who won't give me more meds as they think I am storing them up or something and when I've been suicidal before in the past told me to basically cheer up and look at the positives in life. Each time I have felt so invalidated in my feelings.
Anyway I asked the lady if there was a crisis number I could have and she said No! it's only for emergencies. I was by this point really feeling unheard and angry and I said is wanting to kill yourself not an emergency then and she said the crisis line is only if you've already taken an overdose or something similar. That was it I lost it with her. So you have to actually harm yourself/ attempt suicide in order to get help. What an absolute stupid system, it hardly helps with prevention does it. She told me to phone the samaritans. Don't get me wrong, i'm sure they are great but I actually have a lot of self awareness of my mental health state as I have been through almost 18 months in a therapeutic community. I know my risks/triggers ect and I know that talking is helpful but as i'm a single mum with no other adult living with me I know that I need to be in a safe place with a real person physically with me. I know my limits and at the moment I'm what I would class as ill, yes I'm an expert as putting on the daily coping face at work ect but believe me I'm not functioning, thinking or acting normally at the moment.

When I left the unhelpful lady I got in my car, got out my razor blade from my handbag and started slicing my arms. It's been quite a while since I last cut myself and it was both a relief and and huge dissapointment. I was so angry and upset that it's as if I didn't even feel any pain untill later on when I had calmed down. I needed to see more blood, I don't know why it calms me but it does It's like saying 'this is how I feel' but with blood instead of tears as I have lost the ability to cry since being on fluoxetine and this is yet to return. I could see my veins and wondered just how much more I would have to push to hit them but I didn't really want that as I have to survive for my kids even if this is my only messed up way of dealing with it.

 I went to the pharmacy for some supplies, stuck a dressing and bandage on and went to work. My arm was throbbing so badly.

Tonight I went to music practise with the worship team at church and it was amazing. I actually forgot all of the rubbishness for just a few hours. Now back to daily life. I hope things will improve now that I've let some of my emotion out through cutting.

Thursday 31 January 2013

Scared of how I feel

The last few days have been really tough.
Its been about 17 days since I stopped my Fluoxetine due to losing a whole bag of medication, and it's making me feel ill, both physically and mentally.

Heres some of the things I've noticed in the last few days;
  • Bad headaches
  • Dizziness
  • sleeping a lot.
  • anger
  • constant thoughts of suicide and self harm.
  • A completely numb arm for about 10 mins (weird and quite scary)
  • Dissociation - feeling like i'm looking at myself from the outside. I don't really feel like i'm doing what i'm doing if that makes any sense.
  • poor memory - sat at work for at least half an hour trying to think of the word clipart so I could search for a picture of something.
  • Empty/numb - Just don't feel anything, I can't cry, and struggle to tell anyone whats going on because i don't really know myself
I've been a rubbish friend - really selfish/manipulative and outright mean.This makes me really sad as I have amazing friends. It's like watching a car crash happen but not being able to do anything about it. Yes I know I am in control of my own behaviour but when your mind is full of suicidal thoughts it's not that easy to see anything else. I either push people away and if they try to help I get mad OR they back away to protect their own and sanity and then I get mad because noone cares. In fact they really can't win. Why do I do that again and again, why don't I learn from it.

I'm a horrid mum - Don't get me wrong I love my kids to pieces but I'm just no good at it. I need help at the moment at least, I just have no patience, I'm unorganised, tired, confused and suicidal. Everything feels like too much, They are late for school most mornings at the moment, we are driving instead of walking, I don't have a plan for dinners, I don't do anything much with them at home just tell them to go play quietly or watch tv which usually is followed by an arguement because they are not playing quietely enough or are making a mess ect. I have no routine or energy to do washing/washing up/putting clothes away/hoovering ect so I look around my house every day and think what a mess, but do little about it. I go to work, come back, cook dinner then usually fall asleep at 7pm in my little boys bed.

This morning before work I drove to Tescos as we have hardly any food left for lunches ect. I got there and sat in the car for about 10 mins just thinking. I then walked to get a trolley and discovered I didn't have a £1 coin so instead of going into tescos to get some change or just getting a few bits in a basket I just got back in the car and left. So stupid but that one little thing which didn't run smoothly made me give up on the idea of shopping completely. 
I then drove to a pharmacy and bought some paracetamol and antisickness med, before going to the newsagents next door and buying some more paracetamol. I now have quite a collection of paracetamol at home which is both comforting and terrifying at the same time.
I then went home sat down and held a razor blade to my wrist looking at my veins and realising just how easy it would be. Images flashed through my head as I imagined doing it, the pain, the mess the trail of devastation I would leave behind me. My kids :((((( At this point I literally shouted out to Jesus to help me, to take away the thoughts and the images. By this point it was time go to work. What a fun and productive morning I had (NOT)
Off I trotted to work as if everything was fine. It was busy and luckily my lack of focus was laughed off as one of those days but I really need to focus, I know I can do the job well when my mind is not full of crap.

I fell asleep at 7pm with my little boy but tonight I actually got up at 2am again and have been on my laptop till now (5.15am) paying bills, organising calenders, writing this blog and other random things. Going to go to bed now for  few hours and see what tomorrow brings. Trying to take one day at a time.

Monday 21 January 2013

Fluoxetine withdrawal sucks

Last Friday I collected my prescription from the surgery for Fluoxetine and went straight to the pharmacy to get it as I had taken my last few capules that morning.
I have absolutely no idea what happened to the medication after that as I am yet to find it and my memory is so rubbish I just can't remember what I did with them.  Docs think I am messing about with the meds and clearly don't trust me so I have to wait a month to get more.

I have been off my Fluoxetine for about 10 days so far and am feeling seriously rough.
I feel nauseous, shakey and scarily impulsive and suicidal thoughts.

Ok I know that I have BPD and that some of these things are part and parcel but this feels completely out of control even for me. It's like I don't have control over my thoughts, they jump from ok to suicidal to super bitch to good mummy, and anything in between. Some people think it's just an excuse for bad behaviour, maybe? I don't know but it's very hard to fight what seems like reflex actions. I see all the behaviours that I've been working on changing for the the last few years coming back again.

I want to cut myself
I want to kill myself - but realistically am terrified and love my kids so much I don't think I could do it to them as they would end up in foster care.
I am sooooo angry at myself and everyone around me who dares to get close. If I'm helping someone at work then no problem, I'm polite and helpful, but if a friend tries to phone me or be nice to me, in fact just the fact that they know me makes me want to fight with them, and push them away either by ignoring them completely and so inforcing their distance or being so overwhelmingly needy or nasty that they back away by themselves. Nothing they can do will be the right thing because I know deep down that they can't help me even if they try to as it's things out of their control. I get angry because even though deep down I know they are amazing friends I still want them to rescue me and make everything better which they just can't do. They may rescue me once but what about the next day/week when I feel like that again. It's unsustainable and completely toxic to any frienship.
I want someone to be there with me when Im scared of the suicidal thoughts running through my head, when I can't breath, when I feel like I want to physically hurt my kids, when Im buying tablets and razor blades from the shop even though I don't really want to.  If theres one thing I've leart over the years is that people let you down, even the nicest ones and even when people say they are there for you, they really mean I'm there for you but your 10th on my list of priorities! which is not at all wrong, family should be priority absolutely but the reality of that means that people whose family have disowned them or have irrepairable broken relationships basically are on their own. Your noones priority.

I don't know who I am, in fact I'm not sure I've ever known. I think if I had a Husband and a bigger house i'd be ok but I know that's not true, maybe for a while but I can't escape myself and I am the problem noone else. The core issue is me. Take away kids runaway dad, my childhood, hurtful words from others ect, it still leaves me. I'm actually a bad person but  people are trying to convince me that i'm not and that good is inside. But I'm finding it hard to find. I love Jesus and am hanging on to him for dear life at the moment however pathetic my efforts are. I have to hold on because without him there is no hope, and no goodness to be found, just darkness everywhere slowly sufforcating those it meets. Not what a christian should be like really is it, but I believe that Jesus is 100%  real and good and loving but also that the spiritual battle and strongholds are also 100% real and sometimes for people who have been brought up to know no different it is very very difficult to trust and hold onto truths which seem so opposite to what you've ever known.

I saw a programme the other day which talked about a girls struggle with anorexia to the point of almost dieing. They were explaining to her parents why she couldn't just start eating and get better.

The doctor described it like this:
Imagine your boat had sunk and you were stranded in the sea clutching the only lifebelt  for miles around. Then someone in the distance shouts for you to leave the lifebelt and swim over to them. In that situation you would find it very very difficult to let go of that lifebelt and extreemly hard to trust anyone telling you to do so.

This was describing anorexia but I instantly could relate it to me and bpd, self harm in fact any bad coping strategies which look foolish to those outside but to me are my only way of surviving and it's very difficult to trust someone telling me to let go and all will be ok.
Do't get me wrong I do let go sometimes but I don't stray too far in case \i need it again!

Does that make any sense? I hope so.