Scared of how I feel

The last few days have been really tough.
Its been about 17 days since I stopped my Fluoxetine due to losing a whole bag of medication, and it's making me feel ill, both physically and mentally.

Heres some of the things I've noticed in the last few days;

• Bad headaches
• Dizziness
• sleeping a lot.
• anger
• constant thoughts of suicide and self harm.
• A completely numb arm for about 10 mins (weird and quite scary)
• Dissociation - feeling like i'm looking at myself from the outside. I don't really feel like i'm doing what i'm doing if that makes any sense.
• poor memory - sat at work for at least half an hour trying to think of the word clipart so I could search for a picture of something.
• Empty/numb - Just don't feel anything, I can't cry, and struggle to tell anyone whats going on because i don't really know myself

I've been a rubbish friend - really selfish/manipulative and outright mean.This makes me really sad as I have amazing friends. It's like watching a car crash happen but not being able to do anything about it. Yes I know I am in control of my own behaviour but when your mind is full of suicidal thoughts it's not that easy to see anything else. I either push people away and if they try to help I get mad OR they back away to protect their own and sanity and then I get mad because noone cares. In fact they really can't win. Why do I do that again and again, why don't I learn from it.

I'm a horrid mum - Don't get me wrong I love my kids to pieces but I'm just no good at it. I need help at the moment at least, I just have no patience, I'm unorganised, tired, confused and suicidal. Everything feels like too much, They are late for school most mornings at the moment, we are driving instead of walking, I don't have a plan for dinners, I don't do anything much with them at home just tell them to go play quietly or watch tv which usually is followed by an arguement because they are not playing quietely enough or are making a mess ect. I have no routine or energy to do washing/washing up/putting clothes away/hoovering ect so I look around my house every day and think what a mess, but do little about it. I go to work, come back, cook dinner then usually fall asleep at 7pm in my little boys bed.

This morning before work I drove to Tescos as we have hardly any food left for lunches ect. I got there and sat in the car for about 10 mins just thinking. I then walked to get a trolley and discovered I didn't have a £1 coin so instead of going into tescos to get some change or just getting a few bits in a basket I just got back in the car and left. So stupid but that one little thing which didn't run smoothly made me give up on the idea of shopping completely. 
I then drove to a pharmacy and bought some paracetamol and antisickness med, before going to the newsagents next door and buying some more paracetamol. I now have quite a collection of paracetamol at home which is both comforting and terrifying at the same time.
I then went home sat down and held a razor blade to my wrist looking at my veins and realising just how easy it would be. Images flashed through my head as I imagined doing it, the pain, the mess the trail of devastation I would leave behind me. My kids :((((( At this point I literally shouted out to Jesus to help me, to take away the thoughts and the images. By this point it was time go to work. What a fun and productive morning I had (NOT)
Off I trotted to work as if everything was fine. It was busy and luckily my lack of focus was laughed off as one of those days but I really need to focus, I know I can do the job well when my mind is not full of crap.

I fell asleep at 7pm with my little boy but tonight I actually got up at 2am again and have been on my laptop till now (5.15am) paying bills, organising calenders, writing this blog and other random things. Going to go to bed now for  few hours and see what tomorrow brings. Trying to take one day at a time.