I'm feeling so low I don't know how I'm still functioning.
Self harming again but this time I'm not satisfied with just a scratch. I am aiming at veins/overdosing etc. and although my aim isn't to kill myself I very much leave it up to fate if I live or die. Life is so painful, and lonely that I sometimes wish that my body would make the decision for me so I don't feel the guilt and shame of making that choice. I just want the pain to stop. I have 2 beautiful children, a great job and belong to a lovely church but still I feel like this and I don't think that anything will ever change this feeling deep inside of me.
I never thought that it was possible to feel any worse than I do when i'm feeling very poorly, cutting, overdosing, and not functioning well at all. BUT I was wrong in the past I've had friends around me to cry on, talk to, help with kids ect but now I have no one. And it suddenly hit me that whether I tell people or not how I feel it make no difference as I have to ride it out on my own. It's one thing to feel like no one cares but when you actually could actually tell someone you want to die and their not interested it confirms your worst fears. I'm very aware that people with BPD often come across as manipulative and so I make a conscious effort not to involve people as much as I can. I work and hide my illness very well, Most of my life I wear a mask but sometimes it is too much to carry alone and as I have my kids who completely rely on me I feel I need someone to stand by me. I know they can't fix things or make me better but just knowing that someone cares, and I mean genuinely really cares would mean so much.
I love my kids but I have failed them over and over again and can't even do normal life and be a good enough mum for them. Nothing can make me better because being me and being alive = pain so deep that it cannot be healed. I don't know why it's there I just know that it is.
Is it wrong of me to want to be loved, cared for, wanted?
Is it wrong for me to want to belong?
I want to feel safe and no that someone has my back but when I turn around there is no one there.
