I'm never going to get better :(

It's suddenly dawned on me that I'm never going to get better. I can't escape who I am no matter how hard I try.
I sang in the worship team at church this morning and it was great to be involved and I reminded myself that it is a privalige to be able to worship freely without persection as so many people in other countries risk their life by doing so.

I find at the moment that I am singing despite how I feel which is all I can do reaaly. Proclaiming truths about who God is even though I'm feeling so rubbish.
I was ok in church till the end when the whole social anxiety thing kicked in. Yes I know it might soung weird that I can sing in front of people but not talk to them but that's how it is. Real life isn't rehearsed and so is unpredictable and scary. I made my daughter sit with me to keep me company while I had a cup of tea so that I didn't look like a complete loser on my own. It's painfully lonely to be on your own all the time but even more painful to be with people and leave feeling rejected, unwanted, stupid, and a failure. Not that people try to make me feel like this as they are all really lovely but my mind over analysis every word, action ect during a conversation and will usually turn even a positive conversation into something negative.

I've dumped so much on certain friends and now I have to let them go for their own sake.
The problem is that I put my trust in people and think that they can rescue me but the truth is that they can't. They are not my mother,father,husbnd,sister or whatever I expect them to be. They cannot fill those gaps for me no matter how much I might want them too. I just want someone to hug me and tell me it's ok and be there for me but the ugly truth is that I am approaching 30 not 3 and noone is going to soothe me and make everything better. People have their own families & there are good reasons why I am single and alone because I am too messed up and needy to meet anyone decent and I would ultimately destroy any relationship I had as I do with friendships.

 I always want what I can't have, maybe that's because I know I can't have it and so it makes it safe to feel feelings knowing that they will never be reciprocated. Sounds messed up I know but that's how I seem to work. Someone who is single  is much more terrifying than someone who is not. Not that I would persue that person in any way but I can't pretend I don't have feelings for them. I pray for a loving christian husband to come along but I also don't really want one because I know what I'm like and it would be so unfair to put any man through the craziness that comes with knowing me. I have to get better soon, I have to be able to be secure, to love, to trust to socialise, to do what normal healthy people do before I can dare look at getting into a relationship. I also need to do a lot of forgiving, deal with my anger and stop the crazy behaviour.

Am I just a horrid person hiding behind BPD or whatever other mental health label I want to use to cover up how I am?
Is everything in my life an act or a lie? What is actually true? Why am I so terrified of the future and also of the present?

Had a lovely chat with a friend tonight which helped calm me down alot, just having someone to talk too really helps.
Especially as the other person who I really feel like I need and am very dependant on seems to be annoyed with me or more probabal just fed up of it all. The thing is I don't blame her at all for backing away, people have to have boundaries to protect themselves otherwise they would be suffocated in my neediness especially when I'm not coping. Even though I understand why I still feel sad and angry because I need her to love me, shes like a mum to me and I suppose that I hope she will always be there for me no matter how much I mess up or throw tantrums. In reality though she's not my mum and she won't put up with my crap and neither should she.

 Now I know why they say people with BPD are toxic in relationships because they can test the patience of even the nicest people, destroy the friendship but somehow still see themselves as the victim.
I can only say this about me and can't speak for everyone with bpd but if I am completely honest with myself then I have to admit I do this even if I don't realise till it's too late.