There's no way out

                                   There's No Way Out

I actually can't do this anymore.

Maybe it's selfish but I just can't keep living like this. I can't even enjoy my kids. Even the sound of them having fun makes me want to throw things at them (obviously i don't). The rest of the time they are arguing and fighting and yelling ect. It's pointless even trying to organise any activities to do with them or days out as they don't enjoy it, not with me anyway. If it is with someone else then yes they have a fab time, but not me.

Illness

For the last week i've had the flu which was miserable in itself but what made it worse is that I dragged myself into work all week when I clearly shouldn't of been there. Why? well i suppose I didn't want to let them down especially as there were already others off. Also I suppose I was scared to stop as when I stop I just fall to pieces. I just have to keep going and doing what I do whether I feel like it or not.

Fire

Stupidly on Sunday I left a box of tissues on top of my cooker hob which I had accidently left on from the night before. I got back from church to find my house filled with smoke and a pile of ash remaining on the hob. I was very lucky that it wasn't any worse but after almoset a week my house and most things in it still stink of smoke which is not helpful when recovering from the flu or in lifting my mood either.

Appointments

I had an appointment with both the doctor and the therapist this week. The doctor was actually very nice which makes a change, she put me back on a lower dose of fluoxetine so I can build it up slowly again. In a way i'm glad but at the same time dissapointed as in the month I was off of it I was waiting for me to reappear. What I mean by that is the person with emotions who cared about people and even if I cryed alot it was me and I felt real. Unfortuanately those emotions never came not one teardrop. The suicidal feelings were there, the self harm and some anger but not what I hoped for. Does that mean I've lost the ability to feel for ever or is this the real me an emotionless uncaring freak. I hope not but its not looking good.

My appoinntment with the therapist was short but had a huge impact. This is someone who has known me since I was about 17 so knows a lot of stuff. I found her very aggresive in her questions and very unsympathetic and uncaring. Its like i'd annoyed her just by coming to the appointment. Even the was she sat down with her little notepad and looked at me made me feel like she didn't want to be there, like I was a burden. I hate the way she thought she had me figured out before even listening to what I had to say. She brought up stuff from the past in a really mean way at least thats what it felt like. She basically said who are you going to blame this time for how bad your feeling. When you were little it was your mum and dad then it was your ex partner, so who now?
I don't know what she was trying to achieve by this approach but it just reinforced what I already know which is that it's me, it's all my fault. That's why noone can fix it because it's me that's wrong down to the core. Not what the bible says I know but it is what seems to be the case.
The therapist told me that in her opinion I need to go into a three day a week therapeutic community for 18 months. I have already been through a one day a week one less than two years ago which was traumatic enough and ended with social services involved and me being kicked out of the group 16 months into it. She said I should never have been put into that one as I need more intensive therapy! Why was I encouraged into it then?  If I do join this 3 day a week group I will have to give up my new job which I love and go onto benefits again. I will also have to stop my fluoxetine AGAIN as they have a strict no medication rule. In fact they have many strict rules!

I feel like my options are either to join this group which I know will be hell, it may not even help, i would have to give up meds and job. OR Carry on how I am. Hope the fluoxetine kicks in and takes the edge off of things allowing me to at least stay alive and keep working. Probably never be happy, be able to have any real friends, find or maintain relationships, grow old sad and alone or more probable kill myself way before that happens.

What kind of choice is that really?

I gave in and cut :(

Ok so this morning I went to my local mental health hospital where I have seen many therapists in the past. I sat in my car for about 20mins before I finally plucked up the courage to go in.  I asked  if there was someone I could speak to and after sitting in the waiting room for a whie a lady came out and very unsympathetically told me that I could have an appointment but in two weeks time. I tried to stay calm and said ok but what can I do in the mean time, as I need help now. She said go to your doctors. Big Sigh!! this is the doctors who won't give me more meds as they think I am storing them up or something and when I've been suicidal before in the past told me to basically cheer up and look at the positives in life. Each time I have felt so invalidated in my feelings.
Anyway I asked the lady if there was a crisis number I could have and she said No! it's only for emergencies. I was by this point really feeling unheard and angry and I said is wanting to kill yourself not an emergency then and she said the crisis line is only if you've already taken an overdose or something similar. That was it I lost it with her. So you have to actually harm yourself/ attempt suicide in order to get help. What an absolute stupid system, it hardly helps with prevention does it. She told me to phone the samaritans. Don't get me wrong, i'm sure they are great but I actually have a lot of self awareness of my mental health state as I have been through almost 18 months in a therapeutic community. I know my risks/triggers ect and I know that talking is helpful but as i'm a single mum with no other adult living with me I know that I need to be in a safe place with a real person physically with me. I know my limits and at the moment I'm what I would class as ill, yes I'm an expert as putting on the daily coping face at work ect but believe me I'm not functioning, thinking or acting normally at the moment.

When I left the unhelpful lady I got in my car, got out my razor blade from my handbag and started slicing my arms. It's been quite a while since I last cut myself and it was both a relief and and huge dissapointment. I was so angry and upset that it's as if I didn't even feel any pain untill later on when I had calmed down. I needed to see more blood, I don't know why it calms me but it does It's like saying 'this is how I feel' but with blood instead of tears as I have lost the ability to cry since being on fluoxetine and this is yet to return. I could see my veins and wondered just how much more I would have to push to hit them but I didn't really want that as I have to survive for my kids even if this is my only messed up way of dealing with it.

 I went to the pharmacy for some supplies, stuck a dressing and bandage on and went to work. My arm was throbbing so badly.

Tonight I went to music practise with the worship team at church and it was amazing. I actually forgot all of the rubbishness for just a few hours. Now back to daily life. I hope things will improve now that I've let some of my emotion out through cutting.

Fluoxetine withdrawal sucks

Last Friday I collected my prescription from the surgery for Fluoxetine and went straight to the pharmacy to get it as I had taken my last few capules that morning.
I have absolutely no idea what happened to the medication after that as I am yet to find it and my memory is so rubbish I just can't remember what I did with them.  Docs think I am messing about with the meds and clearly don't trust me so I have to wait a month to get more.

I have been off my Fluoxetine for about 10 days so far and am feeling seriously rough.
I feel nauseous, shakey and scarily impulsive and suicidal thoughts.

Ok I know that I have BPD and that some of these things are part and parcel but this feels completely out of control even for me. It's like I don't have control over my thoughts, they jump from ok to suicidal to super bitch to good mummy, and anything in between. Some people think it's just an excuse for bad behaviour, maybe? I don't know but it's very hard to fight what seems like reflex actions. I see all the behaviours that I've been working on changing for the the last few years coming back again.

I want to cut myself
I want to kill myself - but realistically am terrified and love my kids so much I don't think I could do it to them as they would end up in foster care.
I am sooooo angry at myself and everyone around me who dares to get close. If I'm helping someone at work then no problem, I'm polite and helpful, but if a friend tries to phone me or be nice to me, in fact just the fact that they know me makes me want to fight with them, and push them away either by ignoring them completely and so inforcing their distance or being so overwhelmingly needy or nasty that they back away by themselves. Nothing they can do will be the right thing because I know deep down that they can't help me even if they try to as it's things out of their control. I get angry because even though deep down I know they are amazing friends I still want them to rescue me and make everything better which they just can't do. They may rescue me once but what about the next day/week when I feel like that again. It's unsustainable and completely toxic to any frienship.
I want someone to be there with me when Im scared of the suicidal thoughts running through my head, when I can't breath, when I feel like I want to physically hurt my kids, when Im buying tablets and razor blades from the shop even though I don't really want to.  If theres one thing I've leart over the years is that people let you down, even the nicest ones and even when people say they are there for you, they really mean I'm there for you but your 10th on my list of priorities! which is not at all wrong, family should be priority absolutely but the reality of that means that people whose family have disowned them or have irrepairable broken relationships basically are on their own. Your noones priority.

I don't know who I am, in fact I'm not sure I've ever known. I think if I had a Husband and a bigger house i'd be ok but I know that's not true, maybe for a while but I can't escape myself and I am the problem noone else. The core issue is me. Take away kids runaway dad, my childhood, hurtful words from others ect, it still leaves me. I'm actually a bad person but  people are trying to convince me that i'm not and that good is inside. But I'm finding it hard to find. I love Jesus and am hanging on to him for dear life at the moment however pathetic my efforts are. I have to hold on because without him there is no hope, and no goodness to be found, just darkness everywhere slowly sufforcating those it meets. Not what a christian should be like really is it, but I believe that Jesus is 100%  real and good and loving but also that the spiritual battle and strongholds are also 100% real and sometimes for people who have been brought up to know no different it is very very difficult to trust and hold onto truths which seem so opposite to what you've ever known.

I saw a programme the other day which talked about a girls struggle with anorexia to the point of almost dieing. They were explaining to her parents why she couldn't just start eating and get better.

The doctor described it like this:
Imagine your boat had sunk and you were stranded in the sea clutching the only lifebelt  for miles around. Then someone in the distance shouts for you to leave the lifebelt and swim over to them. In that situation you would find it very very difficult to let go of that lifebelt and extreemly hard to trust anyone telling you to do so.

This was describing anorexia but I instantly could relate it to me and bpd, self harm in fact any bad coping strategies which look foolish to those outside but to me are my only way of surviving and it's very difficult to trust someone telling me to let go and all will be ok.
Do't get me wrong I do let go sometimes but I don't stray too far in case \i need it again!

Does that make any sense? I hope so.

The battle within

         This is my first blog and I am just going to

                     write and see what comes out. :)

I love people, I hate people

I want to live, I want to die

Im forgiven, I'm evil

These are some of the constant battles I have going on in my daily life.

In my heart I want more than anything to reach out to those around me, to love them, be hospitable to them and show them the love of God  just as others have to me over the years. BUT no matter what good intentions I might have I just can't do it.
In fact anything that involves me initiating the conversation just doesn't happen.
Im terrified of people, whether its talking to them or being with them I just become this crazy different person who freaks out and wants to run far away.

 Its not them I want to run away from specifically it's the feelings the always come in that situation.If I can't run away and Im forced to socialise whether for a short or long period of time I analyse everything and I mean EVERYTHING that happens during that time. Body language, what they say, what I say, what isn't said, what I think they want to say but are too polite. It's ridiculous my mind will always find something whether real/imagined/perceived that will back up my negative beliefs about myself.

Let me give you some examples
Social situation - school gates
long to be able to chat and build friendships with other mums but fear is too strong to approach anyone, i mean what do I have to talk about anyway, I know nothing about anything, so I stand alone every day. If people wanted to talk to me then they would right? well noone talks to me ever - so that proves in my head that no one wants to talk to me so I must be different to the other mums who are all chatting away with ease. In a way the pain of isolation and exclusion is easier than the anxiety of approaching someone and the utter devastation of the inevitable 'getting it wrong' if I did speak to them.

Church

I Love God with all my heart and am lucky to have christian friends who seem to hang despite me freaking out all the time, loving them one day, being angry at them the next (for not being messed up like me) and completely avoiding them another day. I sit on my own in church despite having all these friends around it's safer that way. If they chose to come and sit with me then thats fine but I cant take the chance of sitting with them and then worrying  that maybe they didnt want me there or were saving it for someone better............you get the idea!

After knowing these guys for 4 years there are still only one or two safe people that I will talk to about how I really feel and who provoke the least anxiety in me. (This is not guaranteed though)
When I joined around 4 years ago I needed ALOT of emotional healing from past events and a safe place to let it all out. I cried every Sunday solidly for about a year because I managed to finally let down my barriers and give my stuff to God while being supported by some of the most generous and caring people I've met. You may think- um u dont seem very sorted - but believe me I 've come a very long way, I just have lots of layers and unfortunately I've added a few more since then.

Extra layers

3 and a half years ago my 7 year relationship with my 2 kids father came to an end. No one person to blame, we both made mistakes. Contact with his kids rapidly decreased into no contact at all, no birthday card, no contact details, nothing = brokenhearted children, one of which was my daughter who was a daddys girl from the start and I watched her be completely crushed as she basically discovered that her precious daddy wasn't coming and more, he had in essence abandoned her. She was pretty angry, sad in fact she was a mess and ended up in counselling for a while.

At the same time as all this rubbish I had just entered an 18 month therapeutic community which required me to come off of all my antidepressants in order to join. They described there approach of therapy like breaking an acorn open with a sledgehammer, thats certainly what it felt like with no medication, chaos at home and a group of people in therapy who pushed every button I had and brought every raw emotion to the surface. Basically the way it works is that all the relational problems you experience in normal life are reflected in your relationships within the TC. Its like one big dysfunctional family!! Its not a gently 'there there approach but more of a brutally honest 'your a manipulative cow' approach.

All in all a VERY eye opening experience and I have gained massive insight into what I do and why I do it and I think regarding the BPD especially It has made me stop and think alot when I start acting out and doing what I have always done, whether it be self harm, or pushing my friends away, it has helped me realise 1. what Im doing 2. why 3. how it effects the other person (as group members told me in no uncertain words) and 4. that ultimately it is not a good coping strategy and usually hurts the people who care the most. First I got love and sympathy from the group, the men thought I was sweet and wanted to protect me and a lot of the women mothered me like i was there daughter. But I did my normal tricks of push pulling and basically pissing them all off so much that the sympathy left and I got anger instead even when I was very low they seemed to have lost all compassion, whatever button I had pressed I wished I hadn't as they along with the therapists eventually kicked me out of the community saying it was not safe for me as I was disengaging. (who wouldn't if a whole group met you with anger and hostility every week when ur life was falling apart around you.

The main therapist was a man who in the group was a father figure so rejecting me when I most needed help deeply wounded me.To this day I think it was very badly handled considering ow it all works. Build a make shift family for 18 months then one day (unplanned, which is vastly different to planned which is a happy, fun occasion) just kick them out, ur not wanted any more, we can't help you.

That reinforced everything I had ever thought about myself.

Including -
I mess everything up
I'm rubbish with other people, theres something wrong with me .
Noone can help me
Noone wants me around
Im evil (the word I actually cut into my leg during my stint in therapy)
I should just kill myself.

Since then things have been very much a roller coaster ride. I have made some amazing friendships with one family in particular and have managed to retain a few other amazing friends which I am soooo grateful to for sticking around although I still have no idea why any of them do. Actually thats not true, I know why, its for my kids. My kids are truly wonderful and are the reason Im still here fighting, a true blessing from God.