Self harming again

So yesterday I cut myself again, but this time deeper than before.
Its weird that doing such a horrid thing can actually make you feel calmer temporarily at least. It's like an expression of everything going on in my head that I either don't understand or simply can't express.
A little scratch doesn't do it for me anymore, I want to cut deeper and deeper, I want to see lots of blood or else i'm not satisfied. It seems really twisted but thats the truth.

I'm so so lonely.
Those people who are there for me and invite me out socially I push away and don't go due to anxiety, which means I usually find a million reasons to justify my non attendence ie no childcare ect but I know deep down it's actually my anxiety and fear of being in a social group.
Other people who have helped/rescued me in the past have wised up and are no longer there when I need them, not in the way I want anyway. I don' t blame them, I mean it's not their job to take care of me or listen to my problems.

The good news is i'm back on my fluoxetine and not been feeling suicidal for the last week but family life is rubbish at the moment, social problems are starting to become obvious at work, self harm has started again and I'm not feeling part of my church at all.

There's no way out

                                   There's No Way Out

I actually can't do this anymore.

Maybe it's selfish but I just can't keep living like this. I can't even enjoy my kids. Even the sound of them having fun makes me want to throw things at them (obviously i don't). The rest of the time they are arguing and fighting and yelling ect. It's pointless even trying to organise any activities to do with them or days out as they don't enjoy it, not with me anyway. If it is with someone else then yes they have a fab time, but not me.

Illness

For the last week i've had the flu which was miserable in itself but what made it worse is that I dragged myself into work all week when I clearly shouldn't of been there. Why? well i suppose I didn't want to let them down especially as there were already others off. Also I suppose I was scared to stop as when I stop I just fall to pieces. I just have to keep going and doing what I do whether I feel like it or not.

Fire

Stupidly on Sunday I left a box of tissues on top of my cooker hob which I had accidently left on from the night before. I got back from church to find my house filled with smoke and a pile of ash remaining on the hob. I was very lucky that it wasn't any worse but after almoset a week my house and most things in it still stink of smoke which is not helpful when recovering from the flu or in lifting my mood either.

Appointments

I had an appointment with both the doctor and the therapist this week. The doctor was actually very nice which makes a change, she put me back on a lower dose of fluoxetine so I can build it up slowly again. In a way i'm glad but at the same time dissapointed as in the month I was off of it I was waiting for me to reappear. What I mean by that is the person with emotions who cared about people and even if I cryed alot it was me and I felt real. Unfortuanately those emotions never came not one teardrop. The suicidal feelings were there, the self harm and some anger but not what I hoped for. Does that mean I've lost the ability to feel for ever or is this the real me an emotionless uncaring freak. I hope not but its not looking good.

My appoinntment with the therapist was short but had a huge impact. This is someone who has known me since I was about 17 so knows a lot of stuff. I found her very aggresive in her questions and very unsympathetic and uncaring. Its like i'd annoyed her just by coming to the appointment. Even the was she sat down with her little notepad and looked at me made me feel like she didn't want to be there, like I was a burden. I hate the way she thought she had me figured out before even listening to what I had to say. She brought up stuff from the past in a really mean way at least thats what it felt like. She basically said who are you going to blame this time for how bad your feeling. When you were little it was your mum and dad then it was your ex partner, so who now?
I don't know what she was trying to achieve by this approach but it just reinforced what I already know which is that it's me, it's all my fault. That's why noone can fix it because it's me that's wrong down to the core. Not what the bible says I know but it is what seems to be the case.
The therapist told me that in her opinion I need to go into a three day a week therapeutic community for 18 months. I have already been through a one day a week one less than two years ago which was traumatic enough and ended with social services involved and me being kicked out of the group 16 months into it. She said I should never have been put into that one as I need more intensive therapy! Why was I encouraged into it then?  If I do join this 3 day a week group I will have to give up my new job which I love and go onto benefits again. I will also have to stop my fluoxetine AGAIN as they have a strict no medication rule. In fact they have many strict rules!

I feel like my options are either to join this group which I know will be hell, it may not even help, i would have to give up meds and job. OR Carry on how I am. Hope the fluoxetine kicks in and takes the edge off of things allowing me to at least stay alive and keep working. Probably never be happy, be able to have any real friends, find or maintain relationships, grow old sad and alone or more probable kill myself way before that happens.

What kind of choice is that really?

This is how I feel

This is how I often feel.

 

 

Why can’t I just be normal, happy and enjoying life.

Why can I go from fine one minute to wanted to slice myself open he next.

 

 I’ve been off of Fluoxetine for more that 3 weeks now and still the ability to cry has not returned. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be crying all the time but I honestly think that if omeone close to me died at the moment I would still not cry, not because I don’t care but because I physically can’t. Everyone else thinks that I must be fine but the truth is every day is a huge struggle and I’m scared and lonely.

 

I know that noone is going to come and rescue me becasue noone can but yet still I hope they will.

 

I hope for a loving family environment for my kids but yet so often I fail on this because It’s a struggle to just get through the day and so I don’t give them the time or love they deserve.

 

I don’t seem to know how to live, it’s like I was put here by mistake and I have no idea how to fit in however mch I want to people just don’t want me around. And those that do I end up pushing away or being terrified of losing them.

Scared of how I feel

The last few days have been really tough.
Its been about 17 days since I stopped my Fluoxetine due to losing a whole bag of medication, and it's making me feel ill, both physically and mentally.

Heres some of the things I've noticed in the last few days;

• Bad headaches
• Dizziness
• sleeping a lot.
• anger
• constant thoughts of suicide and self harm.
• A completely numb arm for about 10 mins (weird and quite scary)
• Dissociation - feeling like i'm looking at myself from the outside. I don't really feel like i'm doing what i'm doing if that makes any sense.
• poor memory - sat at work for at least half an hour trying to think of the word clipart so I could search for a picture of something.
• Empty/numb - Just don't feel anything, I can't cry, and struggle to tell anyone whats going on because i don't really know myself

I've been a rubbish friend - really selfish/manipulative and outright mean.This makes me really sad as I have amazing friends. It's like watching a car crash happen but not being able to do anything about it. Yes I know I am in control of my own behaviour but when your mind is full of suicidal thoughts it's not that easy to see anything else. I either push people away and if they try to help I get mad OR they back away to protect their own and sanity and then I get mad because noone cares. In fact they really can't win. Why do I do that again and again, why don't I learn from it.

I'm a horrid mum - Don't get me wrong I love my kids to pieces but I'm just no good at it. I need help at the moment at least, I just have no patience, I'm unorganised, tired, confused and suicidal. Everything feels like too much, They are late for school most mornings at the moment, we are driving instead of walking, I don't have a plan for dinners, I don't do anything much with them at home just tell them to go play quietly or watch tv which usually is followed by an arguement because they are not playing quietely enough or are making a mess ect. I have no routine or energy to do washing/washing up/putting clothes away/hoovering ect so I look around my house every day and think what a mess, but do little about it. I go to work, come back, cook dinner then usually fall asleep at 7pm in my little boys bed.

This morning before work I drove to Tescos as we have hardly any food left for lunches ect. I got there and sat in the car for about 10 mins just thinking. I then walked to get a trolley and discovered I didn't have a £1 coin so instead of going into tescos to get some change or just getting a few bits in a basket I just got back in the car and left. So stupid but that one little thing which didn't run smoothly made me give up on the idea of shopping completely. 
I then drove to a pharmacy and bought some paracetamol and antisickness med, before going to the newsagents next door and buying some more paracetamol. I now have quite a collection of paracetamol at home which is both comforting and terrifying at the same time.
I then went home sat down and held a razor blade to my wrist looking at my veins and realising just how easy it would be. Images flashed through my head as I imagined doing it, the pain, the mess the trail of devastation I would leave behind me. My kids :((((( At this point I literally shouted out to Jesus to help me, to take away the thoughts and the images. By this point it was time go to work. What a fun and productive morning I had (NOT)
Off I trotted to work as if everything was fine. It was busy and luckily my lack of focus was laughed off as one of those days but I really need to focus, I know I can do the job well when my mind is not full of crap.

I fell asleep at 7pm with my little boy but tonight I actually got up at 2am again and have been on my laptop till now (5.15am) paying bills, organising calenders, writing this blog and other random things. Going to go to bed now for  few hours and see what tomorrow brings. Trying to take one day at a time.

Fluoxetine withdrawal sucks

Last Friday I collected my prescription from the surgery for Fluoxetine and went straight to the pharmacy to get it as I had taken my last few capules that morning.
I have absolutely no idea what happened to the medication after that as I am yet to find it and my memory is so rubbish I just can't remember what I did with them.  Docs think I am messing about with the meds and clearly don't trust me so I have to wait a month to get more.

I have been off my Fluoxetine for about 10 days so far and am feeling seriously rough.
I feel nauseous, shakey and scarily impulsive and suicidal thoughts.

Ok I know that I have BPD and that some of these things are part and parcel but this feels completely out of control even for me. It's like I don't have control over my thoughts, they jump from ok to suicidal to super bitch to good mummy, and anything in between. Some people think it's just an excuse for bad behaviour, maybe? I don't know but it's very hard to fight what seems like reflex actions. I see all the behaviours that I've been working on changing for the the last few years coming back again.

I want to cut myself
I want to kill myself - but realistically am terrified and love my kids so much I don't think I could do it to them as they would end up in foster care.
I am sooooo angry at myself and everyone around me who dares to get close. If I'm helping someone at work then no problem, I'm polite and helpful, but if a friend tries to phone me or be nice to me, in fact just the fact that they know me makes me want to fight with them, and push them away either by ignoring them completely and so inforcing their distance or being so overwhelmingly needy or nasty that they back away by themselves. Nothing they can do will be the right thing because I know deep down that they can't help me even if they try to as it's things out of their control. I get angry because even though deep down I know they are amazing friends I still want them to rescue me and make everything better which they just can't do. They may rescue me once but what about the next day/week when I feel like that again. It's unsustainable and completely toxic to any frienship.
I want someone to be there with me when Im scared of the suicidal thoughts running through my head, when I can't breath, when I feel like I want to physically hurt my kids, when Im buying tablets and razor blades from the shop even though I don't really want to.  If theres one thing I've leart over the years is that people let you down, even the nicest ones and even when people say they are there for you, they really mean I'm there for you but your 10th on my list of priorities! which is not at all wrong, family should be priority absolutely but the reality of that means that people whose family have disowned them or have irrepairable broken relationships basically are on their own. Your noones priority.

I don't know who I am, in fact I'm not sure I've ever known. I think if I had a Husband and a bigger house i'd be ok but I know that's not true, maybe for a while but I can't escape myself and I am the problem noone else. The core issue is me. Take away kids runaway dad, my childhood, hurtful words from others ect, it still leaves me. I'm actually a bad person but  people are trying to convince me that i'm not and that good is inside. But I'm finding it hard to find. I love Jesus and am hanging on to him for dear life at the moment however pathetic my efforts are. I have to hold on because without him there is no hope, and no goodness to be found, just darkness everywhere slowly sufforcating those it meets. Not what a christian should be like really is it, but I believe that Jesus is 100%  real and good and loving but also that the spiritual battle and strongholds are also 100% real and sometimes for people who have been brought up to know no different it is very very difficult to trust and hold onto truths which seem so opposite to what you've ever known.

I saw a programme the other day which talked about a girls struggle with anorexia to the point of almost dieing. They were explaining to her parents why she couldn't just start eating and get better.

The doctor described it like this:
Imagine your boat had sunk and you were stranded in the sea clutching the only lifebelt  for miles around. Then someone in the distance shouts for you to leave the lifebelt and swim over to them. In that situation you would find it very very difficult to let go of that lifebelt and extreemly hard to trust anyone telling you to do so.

This was describing anorexia but I instantly could relate it to me and bpd, self harm in fact any bad coping strategies which look foolish to those outside but to me are my only way of surviving and it's very difficult to trust someone telling me to let go and all will be ok.
Do't get me wrong I do let go sometimes but I don't stray too far in case \i need it again!

Does that make any sense? I hope so.