Last Friday I collected my prescription from the surgery for Fluoxetine and went straight to the pharmacy to get it as I had taken my last few capules that morning.
I have absolutely no idea what happened to the medication after that as I am yet to find it and my memory is so rubbish I just can't remember what I did with them. Docs think I am messing about with the meds and clearly don't trust me so I have to wait a month to get more.
I have been off my Fluoxetine for about 10 days so far and am feeling seriously rough.
I feel nauseous, shakey and scarily impulsive and suicidal thoughts.
Ok I know that I have BPD and that some of these things are part and parcel but this feels completely out of control even for me. It's like I don't have control over my thoughts, they jump from ok to suicidal to super bitch to good mummy, and anything in between. Some people think it's just an excuse for bad behaviour, maybe? I don't know but it's very hard to fight what seems like reflex actions. I see all the behaviours that I've been working on changing for the the last few years coming back again.
I want to cut myself
I want to kill myself - but realistically am terrified and love my kids so much I don't think I could do it to them as they would end up in foster care.
I am sooooo angry at myself and everyone around me who dares to get close. If I'm helping someone at work then no problem, I'm polite and helpful, but if a friend tries to phone me or be nice to me, in fact just the fact that they know me makes me want to fight with them, and push them away either by ignoring them completely and so inforcing their distance or being so overwhelmingly needy or nasty that they back away by themselves. Nothing they can do will be the right thing because I know deep down that they can't help me even if they try to as it's things out of their control. I get angry because even though deep down I know they are amazing friends I still want them to rescue me and make everything better which they just can't do. They may rescue me once but what about the next day/week when I feel like that again. It's unsustainable and completely toxic to any frienship.
I want someone to be there with me when Im scared of the suicidal thoughts running through my head, when I can't breath, when I feel like I want to physically hurt my kids, when Im buying tablets and razor blades from the shop even though I don't really want to. If theres one thing I've leart over the years is that people let you down, even the nicest ones and even when people say they are there for you, they really mean I'm there for you but your 10th on my list of priorities! which is not at all wrong, family should be priority absolutely but the reality of that means that people whose family have disowned them or have irrepairable broken relationships basically are on their own. Your noones priority.
I don't know who I am, in fact I'm not sure I've ever known. I think if I had a Husband and a bigger house i'd be ok but I know that's not true, maybe for a while but I can't escape myself and I am the problem noone else. The core issue is me. Take away kids runaway dad, my childhood, hurtful words from others ect, it still leaves me. I'm actually a bad person but people are trying to convince me that i'm not and that good is inside. But I'm finding it hard to find. I love Jesus and am hanging on to him for dear life at the moment however pathetic my efforts are. I have to hold on because without him there is no hope, and no goodness to be found, just darkness everywhere slowly sufforcating those it meets. Not what a christian should be like really is it, but I believe that Jesus is 100% real and good and loving but also that the spiritual battle and strongholds are also 100% real and sometimes for people who have been brought up to know no different it is very very difficult to trust and hold onto truths which seem so opposite to what you've ever known.
I saw a programme the other day which talked about a girls struggle with anorexia to the point of almost dieing. They were explaining to her parents why she couldn't just start eating and get better.
The doctor described it like this:
Imagine your boat had sunk and you were stranded in the sea clutching the only lifebelt for miles around. Then someone in the distance shouts for you to leave the lifebelt and swim over to them. In that situation you would find it very very difficult to let go of that lifebelt and extreemly hard to trust anyone telling you to do so.
This was describing anorexia but I instantly could relate it to me and bpd, self harm in fact any bad coping strategies which look foolish to those outside but to me are my only way of surviving and it's very difficult to trust someone telling me to let go and all will be ok.
Do't get me wrong I do let go sometimes but I don't stray too far in case \i need it again!
Does that make any sense? I hope so.
Showing posts with label rage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rage. Show all posts
Monday, 21 January 2013
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
All going wrong again
Ok so things are always up and down but over the last few months I thought things were predictable even if not great. I was a good fair mummy for the majority of the time and was starting to really enjoy being with my children again.
But now things arn't predictable at all in fact it's fast spiralling out of control. Social anxiety has been bad for a while which does make me frustrated but now its not so much anger but unpredictable pure rage. The scary thing is I don't necessarily see it coming until its already happening. One refusal to walk to school or get dressed and thats it, I completely overreact and end up turning it into a war. Neither me nor my daughter are good at backing down in a fight and I know i'm the adult and shes the child but try telling my BPD that! I can here myself saying all of this horrible stuff and wondering where its coming from, where has all this hatred come from. Its like I unleash emotions that are way beyond the actual situation. A dropped pea on the floor at dinner time shouldn't (normally) cause such rage should it?
I can't remember what exactly enraged me last night, probably a bad attitude or general reluctance to go to bed but I know I said some horrid things. The scary thing is that I've always been a nice girl (i think) but yet such nastiness flowed so easily from my mouth. I remember saying you make me want to die, maybe i should just kill myself if you hate me so much, My daughter then asked how do you kill yourself? she didnt know that that was an option in life, why would she , shes only young. This should of been enough to stop me in my tracks but no I polluted her innocent mind by telling her you can walk in front of a bus or train. She then went to bed sobbing and telling me she loved me and didn't want me to die. Even my youngest came and laid with e in bed, hugging me saying it's ok mummy I love you, it'll be ok. Hes 4!!
What kind of parent am I, an extremely messed up one and I'm only too aware of the damage i'm doing. I love them so much and when i'm feeling well I honestly think im a pretty good parent but when im ill I just fall to pieces. If only doctors ect would listen to me, I need a CPN, someone who I can be honest with and tell them when im not doing good. Even if they had a placement for the kids or friends who were willing to take over for a day or two when I felt bad it would protect the kids from so much damage. Instead they go thought the battle with me and usually come out wounded (emotionally)
I am sometimes honest with a friend of mine about whats happening and in my own way i'm crying for help but it seems noone wants to get involved. I believe they do care but its a situation where by people would rather just pretend everything is fine and expect me to smile accordingly. Silence says a thousand words, it says to me Im not going to reply because I don't know what to say. It speaks judgement over me and confirms what I already know. Things are bad!! I just have to keep going and try to have more good days than bad and use the good days to build my kids up again.
I feel like a bad christian, and I know people who would say what a load of rubbish. But it worries me. How can I love Jesus yet act in the most darkest of ways, spending my time thinking of how bad things are are, suicide and self harm. I am disengaging from everything, I feel ashamed of who i've become. A daughter of the most high God would not act the way I do would she?? and I'm supposed to be able to do all thing through christ who gives me strength but I can't even talk to people let alone share the gospel with them. Im hardly witnessing by the way I live. Its all just so hard to hold onto, where are the fruits of the spirit in my life, and if there not there then what? am I not a christian, or am I to be thrown into the fire for not bearing fruit. The bible scares me at the moment , when it used to encourage me.
But now things arn't predictable at all in fact it's fast spiralling out of control. Social anxiety has been bad for a while which does make me frustrated but now its not so much anger but unpredictable pure rage. The scary thing is I don't necessarily see it coming until its already happening. One refusal to walk to school or get dressed and thats it, I completely overreact and end up turning it into a war. Neither me nor my daughter are good at backing down in a fight and I know i'm the adult and shes the child but try telling my BPD that! I can here myself saying all of this horrible stuff and wondering where its coming from, where has all this hatred come from. Its like I unleash emotions that are way beyond the actual situation. A dropped pea on the floor at dinner time shouldn't (normally) cause such rage should it?
I can't remember what exactly enraged me last night, probably a bad attitude or general reluctance to go to bed but I know I said some horrid things. The scary thing is that I've always been a nice girl (i think) but yet such nastiness flowed so easily from my mouth. I remember saying you make me want to die, maybe i should just kill myself if you hate me so much, My daughter then asked how do you kill yourself? she didnt know that that was an option in life, why would she , shes only young. This should of been enough to stop me in my tracks but no I polluted her innocent mind by telling her you can walk in front of a bus or train. She then went to bed sobbing and telling me she loved me and didn't want me to die. Even my youngest came and laid with e in bed, hugging me saying it's ok mummy I love you, it'll be ok. Hes 4!!
What kind of parent am I, an extremely messed up one and I'm only too aware of the damage i'm doing. I love them so much and when i'm feeling well I honestly think im a pretty good parent but when im ill I just fall to pieces. If only doctors ect would listen to me, I need a CPN, someone who I can be honest with and tell them when im not doing good. Even if they had a placement for the kids or friends who were willing to take over for a day or two when I felt bad it would protect the kids from so much damage. Instead they go thought the battle with me and usually come out wounded (emotionally)
I am sometimes honest with a friend of mine about whats happening and in my own way i'm crying for help but it seems noone wants to get involved. I believe they do care but its a situation where by people would rather just pretend everything is fine and expect me to smile accordingly. Silence says a thousand words, it says to me Im not going to reply because I don't know what to say. It speaks judgement over me and confirms what I already know. Things are bad!! I just have to keep going and try to have more good days than bad and use the good days to build my kids up again.
I feel like a bad christian, and I know people who would say what a load of rubbish. But it worries me. How can I love Jesus yet act in the most darkest of ways, spending my time thinking of how bad things are are, suicide and self harm. I am disengaging from everything, I feel ashamed of who i've become. A daughter of the most high God would not act the way I do would she?? and I'm supposed to be able to do all thing through christ who gives me strength but I can't even talk to people let alone share the gospel with them. Im hardly witnessing by the way I live. Its all just so hard to hold onto, where are the fruits of the spirit in my life, and if there not there then what? am I not a christian, or am I to be thrown into the fire for not bearing fruit. The bible scares me at the moment , when it used to encourage me.
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