This is how I feel

This is how I often feel.

 

 

Why can’t I just be normal, happy and enjoying life.

Why can I go from fine one minute to wanted to slice myself open he next.

 

 I’ve been off of Fluoxetine for more that 3 weeks now and still the ability to cry has not returned. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be crying all the time but I honestly think that if omeone close to me died at the moment I would still not cry, not because I don’t care but because I physically can’t. Everyone else thinks that I must be fine but the truth is every day is a huge struggle and I’m scared and lonely.

 

I know that noone is going to come and rescue me becasue noone can but yet still I hope they will.

 

I hope for a loving family environment for my kids but yet so often I fail on this because It’s a struggle to just get through the day and so I don’t give them the time or love they deserve.

 

I don’t seem to know how to live, it’s like I was put here by mistake and I have no idea how to fit in however mch I want to people just don’t want me around. And those that do I end up pushing away or being terrified of losing them.

I'm never going to get better :(

It's suddenly dawned on me that I'm never going to get better. I can't escape who I am no matter how hard I try.
I sang in the worship team at church this morning and it was great to be involved and I reminded myself that it is a privalige to be able to worship freely without persection as so many people in other countries risk their life by doing so.

I find at the moment that I am singing despite how I feel which is all I can do reaaly. Proclaiming truths about who God is even though I'm feeling so rubbish.
I was ok in church till the end when the whole social anxiety thing kicked in. Yes I know it might soung weird that I can sing in front of people but not talk to them but that's how it is. Real life isn't rehearsed and so is unpredictable and scary. I made my daughter sit with me to keep me company while I had a cup of tea so that I didn't look like a complete loser on my own. It's painfully lonely to be on your own all the time but even more painful to be with people and leave feeling rejected, unwanted, stupid, and a failure. Not that people try to make me feel like this as they are all really lovely but my mind over analysis every word, action ect during a conversation and will usually turn even a positive conversation into something negative.

I've dumped so much on certain friends and now I have to let them go for their own sake.
The problem is that I put my trust in people and think that they can rescue me but the truth is that they can't. They are not my mother,father,husbnd,sister or whatever I expect them to be. They cannot fill those gaps for me no matter how much I might want them too. I just want someone to hug me and tell me it's ok and be there for me but the ugly truth is that I am approaching 30 not 3 and noone is going to soothe me and make everything better. People have their own families & there are good reasons why I am single and alone because I am too messed up and needy to meet anyone decent and I would ultimately destroy any relationship I had as I do with friendships.

 I always want what I can't have, maybe that's because I know I can't have it and so it makes it safe to feel feelings knowing that they will never be reciprocated. Sounds messed up I know but that's how I seem to work. Someone who is single  is much more terrifying than someone who is not. Not that I would persue that person in any way but I can't pretend I don't have feelings for them. I pray for a loving christian husband to come along but I also don't really want one because I know what I'm like and it would be so unfair to put any man through the craziness that comes with knowing me. I have to get better soon, I have to be able to be secure, to love, to trust to socialise, to do what normal healthy people do before I can dare look at getting into a relationship. I also need to do a lot of forgiving, deal with my anger and stop the crazy behaviour.

Am I just a horrid person hiding behind BPD or whatever other mental health label I want to use to cover up how I am?
Is everything in my life an act or a lie? What is actually true? Why am I so terrified of the future and also of the present?

Had a lovely chat with a friend tonight which helped calm me down alot, just having someone to talk too really helps.
Especially as the other person who I really feel like I need and am very dependant on seems to be annoyed with me or more probabal just fed up of it all. The thing is I don't blame her at all for backing away, people have to have boundaries to protect themselves otherwise they would be suffocated in my neediness especially when I'm not coping. Even though I understand why I still feel sad and angry because I need her to love me, shes like a mum to me and I suppose that I hope she will always be there for me no matter how much I mess up or throw tantrums. In reality though she's not my mum and she won't put up with my crap and neither should she.

 Now I know why they say people with BPD are toxic in relationships because they can test the patience of even the nicest people, destroy the friendship but somehow still see themselves as the victim.
I can only say this about me and can't speak for everyone with bpd but if I am completely honest with myself then I have to admit I do this even if I don't realise till it's too late.

I gave in and cut :(

Ok so this morning I went to my local mental health hospital where I have seen many therapists in the past. I sat in my car for about 20mins before I finally plucked up the courage to go in.  I asked  if there was someone I could speak to and after sitting in the waiting room for a whie a lady came out and very unsympathetically told me that I could have an appointment but in two weeks time. I tried to stay calm and said ok but what can I do in the mean time, as I need help now. She said go to your doctors. Big Sigh!! this is the doctors who won't give me more meds as they think I am storing them up or something and when I've been suicidal before in the past told me to basically cheer up and look at the positives in life. Each time I have felt so invalidated in my feelings.
Anyway I asked the lady if there was a crisis number I could have and she said No! it's only for emergencies. I was by this point really feeling unheard and angry and I said is wanting to kill yourself not an emergency then and she said the crisis line is only if you've already taken an overdose or something similar. That was it I lost it with her. So you have to actually harm yourself/ attempt suicide in order to get help. What an absolute stupid system, it hardly helps with prevention does it. She told me to phone the samaritans. Don't get me wrong, i'm sure they are great but I actually have a lot of self awareness of my mental health state as I have been through almost 18 months in a therapeutic community. I know my risks/triggers ect and I know that talking is helpful but as i'm a single mum with no other adult living with me I know that I need to be in a safe place with a real person physically with me. I know my limits and at the moment I'm what I would class as ill, yes I'm an expert as putting on the daily coping face at work ect but believe me I'm not functioning, thinking or acting normally at the moment.

When I left the unhelpful lady I got in my car, got out my razor blade from my handbag and started slicing my arms. It's been quite a while since I last cut myself and it was both a relief and and huge dissapointment. I was so angry and upset that it's as if I didn't even feel any pain untill later on when I had calmed down. I needed to see more blood, I don't know why it calms me but it does It's like saying 'this is how I feel' but with blood instead of tears as I have lost the ability to cry since being on fluoxetine and this is yet to return. I could see my veins and wondered just how much more I would have to push to hit them but I didn't really want that as I have to survive for my kids even if this is my only messed up way of dealing with it.

 I went to the pharmacy for some supplies, stuck a dressing and bandage on and went to work. My arm was throbbing so badly.

Tonight I went to music practise with the worship team at church and it was amazing. I actually forgot all of the rubbishness for just a few hours. Now back to daily life. I hope things will improve now that I've let some of my emotion out through cutting.