I'm losing it. Has therapy traumatised me or was it just transference

Have to keep it together.

No one can know how messed up my head is. I have to keep it a secret.

How do I know what's  real and what's fake, how do I know that any of this is real and not just lies to screw with my brain. My mind is like a rubiks cube that is completely scrambled. I know what it should look like and all day and night I am trying to unscramble it and make sense of it but I can't and I just feel frustrated and hopeless. Or do I? Even that sounds like a lie because earlier today I was listening to music and happy and positive. Who was that person or perhaps the question is who is this person now writing this? How can someone's mood and thoughts change so much.

I feel trapped as can't talk to anyone anymore. I opened up in therapy and they destroyed me. No SHE destroyed me and they did nothing to stop it and didn't believe me. I know it happened, she was deliberately trying to hurt me and was clever enough to do it in a way that couldn't be proven. One part of me deserved it, and I know she saw the evil part of me but the other part maybe the innocent child part didn't deserve it. I just wanted help and to be understood and heard and cared for like the rest of the group. Am I that bad that people who are paid to care still reject me. I trusted the process I opened up, I was honest and  all it got me was rejection, heartache and a 100% reinforced belief that no one will ever want the real me and I should NEVER EVER open up or trust anyone.

That's it now. No more therapists, no doctors, I don't want any of them anywhere near me. If only they could feel what pain I felt and still feel through what happened in that place. It's supposed to be ultimately healing not traumatising. I honestly feel traumatised by the experience. I feel hot, sweaty, panicky, angry, and so so hurt. But why me, that's what I'm trying to figure out. If everyone had a bad experience of that place then I could say it's a bad treatment but I know it's a great treatment for most. I didn't want to leave because I believed it was what I needed to get better but it didn't work out how I hoped. Maybe I built it up in my mind to be so healing and everyone so caring but I was misunderstood, pushed away when I wanted to do my work and psychologically screwed over by a therapist who thought she did nothing wrong by attending to everyone else's emotional needs while leaving me to cry for an hour or actively moving the conversation away from me if I tried to speak. In a family that would be abuse but in therapy it's just my issues and dressed up as transference. Ok so she didn't like me, unfortunate, but it happens. But to then refuse to let me change groups to a different therapist that's just cruel. It was like torture week after week. Ok more stuff was going on that just that - parental figure blah blah blah but whatever it was to actively ignore me, show no compassion and give me no reason why I was being punished was the most horrendous thing I've ever experienced.the occasional time she did make a comment was to put me down and remind me that I'm a bad parent ect ect. It's like my little girl inside was screaming and crying and begging for acknowledgement of my very existence. But got nothing. I was in emotional hell and could do nothing but sob and the reaction I got was nothing. Not the nothing when your left to cry but the room is silent and with you in your pain. I'm talking about the nothing whereby life carries on as if you were not there at all. People laugh, have conversations all around you , it's literally as if you don't exist, but in a small group and in an environment such as therapy that is not by accident. That is an active decision. Even a stranger would not be able to ignore an infant in real distress without at least a compassionate glance there way. Now I hear she's leaving. That makes me angry. So she can do this to me and then just bugger off and leave me like this without any resolution, help, explanation. I didn't even get to say goodbye to people and they say endings are important yet I got a phone call telling me not to come back 2 days after I was in hospital for being suicidal 😥😥😥. It's like me phoning my daughter and telling her not to come back home from school any more, I know it sounds ridiculous but that's how much I needed them and how completely devastating it was. Now I have to keep it all inside. I'm trying to be positive, sort myself out and be strong but it's building up and up and I'm starting to crumble. It's too much to hold but if it comes out it will destroy any positives that I have put in place like uni ect. Do I live a double life.am I sane or mad. Is being well just not telling anyone about what's happening in your mind, or not acting out. Maybe everyone thinks about killing themselves, maybe everyone sees things spinning in their heads or stays awake at night sweating and scared. Or has bursts of complete out of the blue anger or tearfulness. I don't know anymore. I've been told no more treatment and that just because I remain in distress doesn't mean I should be offered therapy. So I'll have to either sort myself out or admit defeat and say goodbye once and for all. After all if I cant help me and the professionals have given up on me then what else is there. No one can say I'm not trying 110%. I've tried waking up and just saying from now on I'm gonna be sane as I have so much invested in me being sane, my kids, my future career as a nurse, and a chance to have a relationship and be happy. Unfortunately the shit comes back, even went to Spain on hols and it followed me there. The was no agenda as some people think I get something out of this sI hit ( attention, care ect) in Spain I knew no one and told no one. But I still melted down, I still felt out of control. It made me realise just how out of my control it becomes at times.

Im so lonely and really want a relationship now, it's been like 6 years now but there is such strong walls up I dought anyone would ever get through even if they wanted too. It's probably best though as I am bad bad news so for their sake my selfish desires will have to just die and I need to except that it's not possible because I'm not stable, I can't/won't trust anyone anymore and I'm so repulsive that even if I did let them in they would turn around and run as soon as they saw my fat, scars and stretch marks and I'm not just being a bit insecure, they really are that bad.

I live only for my kids and wonder if I'm really doing the right thing by continuing to try because I just keep failing over and over again. My best is not even close to being good enough and I know it. I'm trying to offload by starting to blog again. If you read this it will probably make no sense but at least it's out of my head for a while.

Completely alone and self harming

I'm feeling so low I don't know how I'm still functioning.
Self harming again but this time I'm not satisfied with just a scratch. I am aiming at veins/overdosing etc. and although my aim isn't to kill myself I very much leave it up to fate if I live or die. Life is so painful, and lonely that I sometimes wish that my body would make the decision for me so I don't feel the guilt and shame of making that choice. I just want the pain to stop. I have 2 beautiful children, a great job and belong to a lovely church but still I feel like this and I don't think that anything will ever change this feeling deep inside of me.

I never thought that it was possible to feel any worse than I do when i'm feeling very poorly, cutting, overdosing, and not functioning well at all. BUT I was wrong in the past I've had friends around me to cry on, talk to, help with kids ect but now I have no one. And it suddenly hit me that whether I tell people or not how I feel it make no difference as I have to ride it out on my own. It's one thing to feel like no one cares but when you actually could actually tell someone you want to die and their not interested it confirms your worst fears. I'm very aware that people with BPD often come across as manipulative and so I make a conscious effort not to involve people as much as I can. I work and hide my illness very well, Most of my life I wear a mask but sometimes it is too much to carry alone and as I have my kids who completely rely on me I feel I need someone to stand by me. I know they can't fix things or make me better but just knowing that someone cares, and I mean genuinely really cares would mean so much.

I love my kids but I have failed them over and over again and can't even do normal life and be a good enough mum for them. Nothing can make me better because being me and being alive = pain so deep that it cannot be healed. I don't know why it's there I just know that it is.

Is it wrong of me to want to be loved, cared for, wanted?
Is it wrong for me to want to belong?

I want to feel safe and no that someone has my back but when I turn around there is no one there.

Self harming again

So yesterday I cut myself again, but this time deeper than before.
Its weird that doing such a horrid thing can actually make you feel calmer temporarily at least. It's like an expression of everything going on in my head that I either don't understand or simply can't express.
A little scratch doesn't do it for me anymore, I want to cut deeper and deeper, I want to see lots of blood or else i'm not satisfied. It seems really twisted but thats the truth.

I'm so so lonely.
Those people who are there for me and invite me out socially I push away and don't go due to anxiety, which means I usually find a million reasons to justify my non attendence ie no childcare ect but I know deep down it's actually my anxiety and fear of being in a social group.
Other people who have helped/rescued me in the past have wised up and are no longer there when I need them, not in the way I want anyway. I don' t blame them, I mean it's not their job to take care of me or listen to my problems.

The good news is i'm back on my fluoxetine and not been feeling suicidal for the last week but family life is rubbish at the moment, social problems are starting to become obvious at work, self harm has started again and I'm not feeling part of my church at all.

There's no way out

                                   There's No Way Out

I actually can't do this anymore.

Maybe it's selfish but I just can't keep living like this. I can't even enjoy my kids. Even the sound of them having fun makes me want to throw things at them (obviously i don't). The rest of the time they are arguing and fighting and yelling ect. It's pointless even trying to organise any activities to do with them or days out as they don't enjoy it, not with me anyway. If it is with someone else then yes they have a fab time, but not me.

Illness

For the last week i've had the flu which was miserable in itself but what made it worse is that I dragged myself into work all week when I clearly shouldn't of been there. Why? well i suppose I didn't want to let them down especially as there were already others off. Also I suppose I was scared to stop as when I stop I just fall to pieces. I just have to keep going and doing what I do whether I feel like it or not.

Fire

Stupidly on Sunday I left a box of tissues on top of my cooker hob which I had accidently left on from the night before. I got back from church to find my house filled with smoke and a pile of ash remaining on the hob. I was very lucky that it wasn't any worse but after almoset a week my house and most things in it still stink of smoke which is not helpful when recovering from the flu or in lifting my mood either.

Appointments

I had an appointment with both the doctor and the therapist this week. The doctor was actually very nice which makes a change, she put me back on a lower dose of fluoxetine so I can build it up slowly again. In a way i'm glad but at the same time dissapointed as in the month I was off of it I was waiting for me to reappear. What I mean by that is the person with emotions who cared about people and even if I cryed alot it was me and I felt real. Unfortuanately those emotions never came not one teardrop. The suicidal feelings were there, the self harm and some anger but not what I hoped for. Does that mean I've lost the ability to feel for ever or is this the real me an emotionless uncaring freak. I hope not but its not looking good.

My appoinntment with the therapist was short but had a huge impact. This is someone who has known me since I was about 17 so knows a lot of stuff. I found her very aggresive in her questions and very unsympathetic and uncaring. Its like i'd annoyed her just by coming to the appointment. Even the was she sat down with her little notepad and looked at me made me feel like she didn't want to be there, like I was a burden. I hate the way she thought she had me figured out before even listening to what I had to say. She brought up stuff from the past in a really mean way at least thats what it felt like. She basically said who are you going to blame this time for how bad your feeling. When you were little it was your mum and dad then it was your ex partner, so who now?
I don't know what she was trying to achieve by this approach but it just reinforced what I already know which is that it's me, it's all my fault. That's why noone can fix it because it's me that's wrong down to the core. Not what the bible says I know but it is what seems to be the case.
The therapist told me that in her opinion I need to go into a three day a week therapeutic community for 18 months. I have already been through a one day a week one less than two years ago which was traumatic enough and ended with social services involved and me being kicked out of the group 16 months into it. She said I should never have been put into that one as I need more intensive therapy! Why was I encouraged into it then?  If I do join this 3 day a week group I will have to give up my new job which I love and go onto benefits again. I will also have to stop my fluoxetine AGAIN as they have a strict no medication rule. In fact they have many strict rules!

I feel like my options are either to join this group which I know will be hell, it may not even help, i would have to give up meds and job. OR Carry on how I am. Hope the fluoxetine kicks in and takes the edge off of things allowing me to at least stay alive and keep working. Probably never be happy, be able to have any real friends, find or maintain relationships, grow old sad and alone or more probable kill myself way before that happens.

What kind of choice is that really?

The Sad Truth

Just read an article on bpd parents and how they damage their kids. Please read full article here

The sad truth is that I completely agree with what it says and I don't know what to do about it.

I feel so alone and scared I just wish I could be different. I love my kids so so much but am not stupid and know they are suffering.

I wish people would support them, even if not me, at least then they would have some healthy adult interactions. I try to tell them that mummy gets ill sometimes and I always try to apologise if i've been unfair or overreacted but I can't seem to stop all the typical bpd traits creeping into my parenting as well as every other area of life.
SS say i'm doing well and so won't support me, I have a job now so that instantly makes me look like i'm doing better but I'm not.

One of my biggest supports has backed off and I can only assume setting boundaries because I probably became overwhelming and of course people are busy with their own family and lifes.
 Even though I know the importance of boundaries it does hurt, especially at the moment where I really am quite desperate and really just a hug or a text can give me a reason to keep going for another day. People are busy which is fine and I suppose they may think im being manipulative when i text them in crisis all the time. I know people can't drop everything especially when it is a common occurance but often it is a cry for help because I am scared and can't handle the pain alone any longer.

 I don't blame friends for ignoring me I mean i've been suicidal before and am still here so why is this time different. Oh if only they could feel what I feel just for a moment then they would understand. I shouldn't put people on a pedestall I know but I suppose I do as they represent hope that things can change, and that I don't have to do this alone.

Found this on someones blog. So So true, insane and stupid but true.

This is how I feel

This is how I often feel.

 

 

Why can’t I just be normal, happy and enjoying life.

Why can I go from fine one minute to wanted to slice myself open he next.

 

 I’ve been off of Fluoxetine for more that 3 weeks now and still the ability to cry has not returned. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be crying all the time but I honestly think that if omeone close to me died at the moment I would still not cry, not because I don’t care but because I physically can’t. Everyone else thinks that I must be fine but the truth is every day is a huge struggle and I’m scared and lonely.

 

I know that noone is going to come and rescue me becasue noone can but yet still I hope they will.

 

I hope for a loving family environment for my kids but yet so often I fail on this because It’s a struggle to just get through the day and so I don’t give them the time or love they deserve.

 

I don’t seem to know how to live, it’s like I was put here by mistake and I have no idea how to fit in however mch I want to people just don’t want me around. And those that do I end up pushing away or being terrified of losing them.

I'm never going to get better :(

It's suddenly dawned on me that I'm never going to get better. I can't escape who I am no matter how hard I try.
I sang in the worship team at church this morning and it was great to be involved and I reminded myself that it is a privalige to be able to worship freely without persection as so many people in other countries risk their life by doing so.

I find at the moment that I am singing despite how I feel which is all I can do reaaly. Proclaiming truths about who God is even though I'm feeling so rubbish.
I was ok in church till the end when the whole social anxiety thing kicked in. Yes I know it might soung weird that I can sing in front of people but not talk to them but that's how it is. Real life isn't rehearsed and so is unpredictable and scary. I made my daughter sit with me to keep me company while I had a cup of tea so that I didn't look like a complete loser on my own. It's painfully lonely to be on your own all the time but even more painful to be with people and leave feeling rejected, unwanted, stupid, and a failure. Not that people try to make me feel like this as they are all really lovely but my mind over analysis every word, action ect during a conversation and will usually turn even a positive conversation into something negative.

I've dumped so much on certain friends and now I have to let them go for their own sake.
The problem is that I put my trust in people and think that they can rescue me but the truth is that they can't. They are not my mother,father,husbnd,sister or whatever I expect them to be. They cannot fill those gaps for me no matter how much I might want them too. I just want someone to hug me and tell me it's ok and be there for me but the ugly truth is that I am approaching 30 not 3 and noone is going to soothe me and make everything better. People have their own families & there are good reasons why I am single and alone because I am too messed up and needy to meet anyone decent and I would ultimately destroy any relationship I had as I do with friendships.

 I always want what I can't have, maybe that's because I know I can't have it and so it makes it safe to feel feelings knowing that they will never be reciprocated. Sounds messed up I know but that's how I seem to work. Someone who is single  is much more terrifying than someone who is not. Not that I would persue that person in any way but I can't pretend I don't have feelings for them. I pray for a loving christian husband to come along but I also don't really want one because I know what I'm like and it would be so unfair to put any man through the craziness that comes with knowing me. I have to get better soon, I have to be able to be secure, to love, to trust to socialise, to do what normal healthy people do before I can dare look at getting into a relationship. I also need to do a lot of forgiving, deal with my anger and stop the crazy behaviour.

Am I just a horrid person hiding behind BPD or whatever other mental health label I want to use to cover up how I am?
Is everything in my life an act or a lie? What is actually true? Why am I so terrified of the future and also of the present?

Had a lovely chat with a friend tonight which helped calm me down alot, just having someone to talk too really helps.
Especially as the other person who I really feel like I need and am very dependant on seems to be annoyed with me or more probabal just fed up of it all. The thing is I don't blame her at all for backing away, people have to have boundaries to protect themselves otherwise they would be suffocated in my neediness especially when I'm not coping. Even though I understand why I still feel sad and angry because I need her to love me, shes like a mum to me and I suppose that I hope she will always be there for me no matter how much I mess up or throw tantrums. In reality though she's not my mum and she won't put up with my crap and neither should she.

 Now I know why they say people with BPD are toxic in relationships because they can test the patience of even the nicest people, destroy the friendship but somehow still see themselves as the victim.
I can only say this about me and can't speak for everyone with bpd but if I am completely honest with myself then I have to admit I do this even if I don't realise till it's too late.